I feel like my life has been turned upside down

18 Apr 2014 2 Comments

by jes in Knee surgery, Life Tags: , , , , ,

I’ve spent the last 7+ months waiting to get my knee fixed, and now that I’ve gotten the approval, I’m a nervous wreck about the whole thing and I don’t want to do it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still going to have the surgery, because it really is the best solution for me, and I wholeheartedly trust my surgeon, but the thought of surgery scares the bejesus out of me.

As a result of being scared stupid over this whole thing, my quality at work has gone downhill significantly in the past month. I have no one to blame but myself, but I just can’t seem to stay focused on work when all I can think about is someone drilling holes into my knee. I’m angry at myself for not being able to control my fear, and for allowing it to interfere with my work quality, because I take pride in doing a great job all the time. I really hate that I’m letting the mental issues get to me.

Speaking of mental issues, the stress of the impending surgery has brought the spinal headache back into full-blown constant pain, which has brought my insomnia back. I’m waking up 3-4 times every night with my head throbbing and my eyes feeling like they’re trying to pop out of my head. I’m just not sure what can be done at this point, because narcotics don’t really do anything for me, and I don’t want to change anything that may end up causing a delay in my surgery.

I decided to be rebellious yesterday and took my brace off around 10am and left it off all day. I just could not abide by it any longer. I hate the brace more and more each day, because it doesn’t seem to help at all. I do know that it is actually helping, because when I don’t wear it, I can feel a definite weakness in the joint and it makes the most horrid cracking/grinding/crunching noises.

Due to all the medical issues I have going on, I’m trying to simplify other areas of my life. I’ve stepped back from interviewing prospective volunteers for the cat rescue organization that I volunteer with, and I’m learning to say no to people who ask if I can do favors for them. I’m trying to find a happy work/volunteer balance in my life. I have no social life to speak of, so that hasn’t changed. I don’t really have anyone special in my life besides my cat, and that doesn’t really count. I’m not interested in dating because I don’t want to have to deal with the inevitable breakup when I pack up and move back to the Carolinas eventually. Yes, I know that I could be missing out on something special by not giving the men out here a chance, but since I’m not happy here, I’d rather wait until I’m happy before I try finding someone else to be happy with.

That’s about all I have going on right now. Work, knee problems, stress, insomnia, stress, headaches, volunteer work, and stress. I am counting down the days until my surgery, and hoping that I’ll be recovered in time for our big fundraiser three weeks later. In the meantime, I’m just trying to get through each day as they come.

Time for a little levity

04 Sep 2013 Leave a comment

by jes in Life, Relationships Tags: ,

I know that my past few posts have been rather serious, and perhaps even depressing to some people, and that’s not my intention. I write about the things that are relevant in my life, and maybe it means something to someone else, and maybe it’s just drivel. For me, it’s a way of organizing my thoughts and blowing off steam. Today though, I thought I’d share a little bit of insight as to why I am single, and have given up on ever having a serious, long-term relationship. No names will be provided, nor will there be dates, so the men in question can remain happily anonymous (and/or oblivious). We call this “I knew [the relationship] was over when…” And yes, every single item below is absolutely true. I knew it was over when:

  • He told me that he couldn’t see me next weekend, because he was going to be in a wedding that weekend. His own.
  • He broke up with me because spending time with me was keeping him away from hanging out with his friends
  • I came home from work sick, and found him in bed with my then-best friend
  • He told me that he could tell that I was becoming an alcoholic because I went out and had a glass of wine with friends after work
  • (the ugly one here) He shoved me into a wall and told me that I was a waste of space
  • He went off to college in another state, without letting me know until he was moved into his new dorm
  • He decided that he would rather get shot at as a government contractor in Kuwait than be with me
  • He called me from jail and asked if I could bail him out. And also his girlfriend. After they were arrested for having sex in public.
  • He started talking to me in babytalk
  • He told me that if I really loved him, I’d get rid of my cat
  • He lied to me about graduating high school

I could go on, but I’ll cut it short for now. The funny thing (to me) is that I warn men up-front that I am very difficult to deal with.  I’m pretty darn close to being a Type A personality (or whatever the current terminology is) and I have extremely high standards as far as basic cleanliness and manners and, well, honesty. I don’t think I’m unreasonable to expect that if you make a huge mess in my kitchen, that you wash the dishes, or at least stack them in the dishwasher. I also don’t think it’s unreasonable to wipe down the counters when something sticky gets spilled on them. I just want to be treated with respect. 

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