I’m feeling a little bit topsy turvy

25 Aug 2014 Leave a comment

by jes in Depression, Knee surgery, Life, My health, Panic Disorder Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

“If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn’t. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn’t be. And what it wouldn’t be, it would. You see?”

 

I think my feeling of being “off” started on July 24th when I walked out to find my roof slashed on my car. Nothing was stolen, but it still felt very much like a personal violation. My car is very special to me. He symbolizes the grown up me who is supposed to be fun and spontaneous instead of dull and boring. I feel good when I sit in my car. I enjoy the attention I get when people comment on what a nice looking car he is. (It never extends to what a nice looking driver he has, but I’m quite okay with that)

Things started to get better once I was finally able to get to the claims adjuster to inspect the tear and get a check to pay for the new roof. I felt like I was finally making some progress. Then, the following Saturday, I suddenly lost fifth gear. Thankfully, I have a dual clutch transmission, and was able to utilize fifth gear by switching into manual mode. Once again, I fell into stress mode, worrying about what this was going to cost me to repair it, even with my super awesome bumper to bumper warranty. At this point I was looking at a $250 deductible for the roof, plus a minimum of $250 deductible on the transmission repair. Since I’m still on disability, this meant that I was going to have to save up for a very long time before I could get either repair done.

I returned to work on a modified schedule, working four hours a day. After the first two days, my knees hurt so badly that I could barely walk. I made an emergency appointment to see my surgeon’s PA and he cut me back to 3 hours a day to see if that would help. I’ve discovered that if I keep my legs elevated at work, they don’t hurt nearly as bad, but I’m still having to ice them for several hours when I get home.

My check arrived from State Farm and I called the auto upholsterer that was recommended by State Farm (and more importantly, but a very close friend of mine whose wife used the same company on her beloved Miata) and found out that the cost of the roof and labor was the exact amount of the check I was given. State Farm forgot to back out the $250 deductible that I was supposed to pay. Oops. I called them and asked, and they informed me that the check was correct, so I was went with it. I ordered my new roof . In the meantime, Morgan (my 350Z) decided that he was going to use fifth gear again, and hasn’t had any shifting problems since. I still want to get it checked out, but it’s not on the urgent list anymore.

Then I went to see my surgeon. He told me that he’s done all he can do with arthroscopic surgery, and the next thing to try is a procedure called “autologous cartilage replacement.” Basically, they do a quick arthroscopic procedure where they harvest some healthy cartilage and send it off to a lab to grow into a patch large enough to cover the two condyles on my tibia that are crumbling. Then, he’ll go in and do an open surgery to essentially sew the new cartilage onto the bone, where it should theoretically grow into healthy cartilage and be just like new. Finding out I need two more surgeries put me over the edge again and I spend a good portion of Monday crying and trying to wrap my brain around the fact that this means I’m stuck here in San Diego for at least the next two years, and possibly as many as four. I’m trying to stay optimistic and think of how wonderful it will be to not have pain and grinding/crunching in my knee every time it bends, but it’s hard to stay positive right now.

I did get my new roof on my car installed on Friday, and it looks very nice. It’s driving me a little nuts that I can’t lower the roof until tomorrow afternoon, because it needs to stretch properly so that I don’t have issues down the road, but that’s a minor inconvenience that I can live with. Also on Friday, I got a surprise visit with my son, as his father had some business to attend to here in town.

At this point, I’m so mentally turned around and upside down, I don’t even know what I’m feeling anymore. I’ve been having panic attacks again since finding out about the new surgeries and I have a pervasive feeling of anxiety that I just can’t get rid of. I try so hard to stay positive and always look on the bright side, but sometimes it’s just too hard. I feel like I’m bogged down; stuck in a city I hate, for the foreseeable future, and every time I try to make any plans to leave, something else comes up to hold me here longer. I should have never moved back. I haven’t been completely happy since returning, and I’m brokenheartedly homesick for the Carolinas. It’s getting to be time for the leaves to change color, and the air to turn brisk.

I feel like I’ve lost control of my life, and that I’m surviving on the whims of others. The depression is creeping back in, and so is the anxiety. No, they’re not the same thing. I’m trying to do the one coping mechanism that generally works for me, and that is taking control of one aspect of my life and setting it right. If I can control just one thing, then I know I’m not helpless. Inside, I’m still screaming though.

Is it always darkest before the storm?

05 Nov 2013 1 Comment

by jes in Uncategorized Tags: , ,

I’ve been having lots of emotional problems lately. September of last year started a downward spiral for me emotionally that I’m still trying to dig my way out of. I went to a psychologist last Thursday for the first time since the failed “marital counseling” that my ex and I went through before he decided he’d rather be shot at by angry Afghanistanians than be around me. It was the “evaluation” interview where she tries to figure out just how fucked up I am, so that we can start figuring out how to get me un-fucked-up. I made a promise to myself that I’d stop hiding and I’d come out and talk about my problems and try to resolve them, so that hopefully I can have some semblance of a normal life some day. I just don’t know how or if that will ever happen.

I did receive my new knee brace in the mail yesterday, so at least that part of my life is going well. It seems like as soon as anything starts improving, that’s a magnet for everything else to start going wrong, though, so I’m expecting a shit storm to head my way. All day today I was angry. There wasn’t anything particularly wrong, but everything was making me angry. I tried my normal deep breathing and trying to stand up and stretch and think about other things, but all I can think about is how shitty the past year has been.

I know my problems seem minor in comparison to what others are dealing with, but they’re wrecking my life. I feel like I don’t have anyone I can depend on. My family doesn’t care about me or want me around. My love is too busy with his own things to be there for me, even if he wanted to be. I have almost no friends locally. I have one that I meet up with once a month or so, but other than that, it’s work, physical therapy, cat volunteering (yes, I volunteer to be a cat!), and then home. I rarely leave my room once I get home, and I know I’m not eating enough, but I just don’t care. It’s not like I’m wasting away. I just don’t have the willpower to hobble downstairs on my two bad knees to eat food that I’m not going to taste anyway.

I know I have my cyber-friends, and that they love me in their own way, but it’s not a substitute for having someone around to spend time with or just hang out and do nothing. I don’t know if it’s my own personal wall that’s keeping everyone out, or if I’m just so screwed up that no one wants to be near me. This is my silent scream.