I feel like my life has been turned upside down

18 Apr 2014 2 Comments

by jes in Knee surgery, Life Tags: , , , , ,

I’ve spent the last 7+ months waiting to get my knee fixed, and now that I’ve gotten the approval, I’m a nervous wreck about the whole thing and I don’t want to do it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still going to have the surgery, because it really is the best solution for me, and I wholeheartedly trust my surgeon, but the thought of surgery scares the bejesus out of me.

As a result of being scared stupid over this whole thing, my quality at work has gone downhill significantly in the past month. I have no one to blame but myself, but I just can’t seem to stay focused on work when all I can think about is someone drilling holes into my knee. I’m angry at myself for not being able to control my fear, and for allowing it to interfere with my work quality, because I take pride in doing a great job all the time. I really hate that I’m letting the mental issues get to me.

Speaking of mental issues, the stress of the impending surgery has brought the spinal headache back into full-blown constant pain, which has brought my insomnia back. I’m waking up 3-4 times every night with my head throbbing and my eyes feeling like they’re trying to pop out of my head. I’m just not sure what can be done at this point, because narcotics don’t really do anything for me, and I don’t want to change anything that may end up causing a delay in my surgery.

I decided to be rebellious yesterday and took my brace off around 10am and left it off all day. I just could not abide by it any longer. I hate the brace more and more each day, because it doesn’t seem to help at all. I do know that it is actually helping, because when I don’t wear it, I can feel a definite weakness in the joint and it makes the most horrid cracking/grinding/crunching noises.

Due to all the medical issues I have going on, I’m trying to simplify other areas of my life. I’ve stepped back from interviewing prospective volunteers for the cat rescue organization that I volunteer with, and I’m learning to say no to people who ask if I can do favors for them. I’m trying to find a happy work/volunteer balance in my life. I have no social life to speak of, so that hasn’t changed. I don’t really have anyone special in my life besides my cat, and that doesn’t really count. I’m not interested in dating because I don’t want to have to deal with the inevitable breakup when I pack up and move back to the Carolinas eventually. Yes, I know that I could be missing out on something special by not giving the men out here a chance, but since I’m not happy here, I’d rather wait until I’m happy before I try finding someone else to be happy with.

That’s about all I have going on right now. Work, knee problems, stress, insomnia, stress, headaches, volunteer work, and stress. I am counting down the days until my surgery, and hoping that I’ll be recovered in time for our big fundraiser three weeks later. In the meantime, I’m just trying to get through each day as they come.

Welcome to 2014

01 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by jes in Life, My health Tags: , , ,

18 1/2 hours in, and honestly, it doesn’t feel any different from any previous year. I still don’t understand the big deal of celebrating a new year. Is there a point to it? If so, can someone please explain it to me? Shouldn’t we try to better ourselves all year round, not just the first couple weeks of January, before tapering off and sinking into our same old routines again?

Tomorrow, I will be calling the scheduler to find out when my MRI will be for my knee. I’m anxious to move forward, because I’m tired of dealing with the pain. I’m hoping they can fit me in rather soon, so that we can get this moving.

I did my volunteer work with the kitties today, and that made me think of my earlier “contemplate three good things every day” assignment that my psychologist had given me. Today, I came up with four.

  1. I spent 2 1/2 hours with homeless kitties, making them feel loved and less lonely. Especially Chloe, who seems to be a purebred Norwegian forest cat. I sat in with her for 40 minutes, and when I left to go buy food for Tiggy, she stood up and pressed her face to the bars until I came back again and sat with her some more.
  2. I made a padded bed for Tiggy to lay on. He’s taken to laying on one of the newly cleaned off shelves in my room, and I thought he’d like to have a little padding on top of the hard laminate shelving. So, I put some batting in a pillowcase and made him a squishy bed. He approves of my offering.
  3. I offered to let someone cut in line at the grocery store, because he only had one item and I had about 20. He graciously declined, but at least I offered.
  4. I bought myself a beautiful red-flowered plant for my desk at work to brighten things up a bit. I don’t know what it’s called, but it has clumps of little red flowers all over it, and it’s just the right size to sit on the shelf next to my desk.

It may not seem like anything special, but each one of those items made me feel good about myself, and that’s the most important thing. I forget to put myself first a lot. I always try to help others and I’m terrible at saying no to someone when they say they need help, so I’m trying to remember that I need to put my health and well-being first, and to only say yes if it’s not going to have a detrimental impact on myself.

I’m really looking forward to the day when I can start exercising again and try to get back into shape. I feel like a lazy bum when I park in the handicap spot close to the door and hobble inside, even though my doctor agrees that it’s a necessary evil right now. I’m doing what yoga poses I can that don’t impact my knee or my spine too badly, but I miss long walks. Hopefully by my birthday, that will be back on my list of three good things.