I’m still alive, and occasionally even kicking

03 Dec 2013 Leave a comment

by jes in Life Tags: ,

I haven’t been writing very much, because this is a very difficult time of year for me. Bad things always seem to happen in the autumn and winter. I survived the one year anniversary of saying goodbye to my Moo cat for the final time, although I was on edge all day long, and felt like I was barely keeping it together at times. Tiggy always seems to know when I am feeling especially down, and he gets in my face and demands that I give him attention, which usually snaps me out of my funk.

Mom’s cat Munchie has been going downhill steadily for the past several months. About six, to be exact. Mom keeps taking him back to the vet to get him tested, and to try new medicines and new foods, and sub-cutaneous fluids, and everything else under the sun to keep him going. For some reason, he seems to like eating Tiggy’s food, so I’ve been putting out food for him outside my door, and he eats it. It’s not the best food for him, but at least he’s eating. There was about a 5 day stretch where he ate nothing at all.

I decided to have a mid-life crisis and traded in my “mom-mobile” Sentra for a 350Z convertible, which I love, and everyone else in my family seems to dislike or disapprove of. Of course, since purchasing it, we’ve had more rain than I remember in San Diego in about three or four years. I don’t really mind though, because I’m used to not having the top down when I drive, so it’s not a huge hardship. It’s just odd.

Three months (as of next Saturday, the 7th) I will have been trying to fix my knee. I finally saw the real orthopedist doctor, and he started rattling off everything that’s wrong with my knee (surprise! There’s actually an injury in there, it’s not just a figment of my imagination) and then he started listing everything that’s wrong with my left (currently good) knee. He gave me and/or Mike an ultimatum that my knee needs to be completely better, with no pain by the 23rd when I come back for my follow up, or he’s going to send me for an MRI to see what may be torn in there that’s causing it to not heal. After this long, I should not be in pain any longer. It’s getting very frustrating. In the two or three weeks that I was not able to go to PT, my knee took a huge step backwards – no pun intended – and now hurts even worse than it did before. I’ve had to start relying on a cane to walk, because the knee cannot support itself.

I think the last major news in my life is that I spent Thanksgiving with my father, his wife, and my sister in Yucca Valley. It was really nice not having to work on Black Friday, and getting to see family I don’t normally see. It was great taking Morgan (the Z) out for a road trip, part of which I got to take the top down for. The whole drive home it rained, though. Overall, it was a nice couple days off.

Today has been excruciating for me

11 Sep 2013 Leave a comment

by jes in Life, My health

I know I complain a lot about my constant pain, but it’s such a central part of my existence that I can’t really ever get away from it. With the new damage to my right knee, I’m hobbling in a completely different way than normal, which is – naturally – causing my already bad left knee to whine that it’s being mistreated as well. So, now I have two knees in constant pain, that both make crunchy grindy sounds and random pops, even when braced.  I’m beyond exhausted right now, and all I want to do is sleep for the next two days until I’m forced to go back to work. And of course, working in an office building, I get stopped constantly to ask if I’m okay and to find out what happened. I explain it several times a day, but it never ceases to be a enthralling to my coworkers. Today is one of those days where I would happily be ugly as sin and even flatter broke than I already am, just to trade off having the constant pain. Does anyone have a line to the Devil? I’m ready to deal.

On love and family

06 Sep 2013 Leave a comment

by jes in Life, Relationships

I wasn’t planning on writing tonight, because my pain level is through the roof, but then I decided that maybe if I got some of my tangled thoughts out of my head, it might help me sleep. This is going to be a very personal post, because I’m feeling stripped down to my most basic feelings right now. There is a very special person in my world, whom I have known for most of my life, and who I have been madly in love with for many years. The problem is that I know that he doesn’t love me, not the same way. We have our moments where everything works out wonderfully for a short period of time, and then it breaks down again. I know that he and I will never have a successful relationship, but I still can’t completely pull myself away from him. I know that’s a toxic situation, but I had a toxic upbringing, so I guess that’s “normal” for me.

I was the unwanted child. I was the afterthought. My older sister did her best to kill me when I was a child. Back in the 70s, it was considered cute, not dangerous, when an older sibling would shove a younger sibling down a flight of concrete stairs. Repeatedly. My father doted on my sister (and still does, I imagine) but simply put up with me. I remember, after my parents divorced, every Friday night, my father would get dressed up and go out places. Presumably looking for women. I hated being alone in the house, so I taught myself to bake, because if I was busy, I didn’t think about being alone in the house when I was 10 years old. The good thing is that I am now a fantastic baker. The bad thing is that life with my father has screwed me up as far as relationships go. I have spent most of my life dating men that I knew would either reject me, abuse me, or otherwise not be available to me. I have been punched, I have been beaten, I have been thrown into walls, I have been told repeatedly that I am not worthy of love. And so, I go on chasing what I can’t have, or what I know will cause me pain. Physical pain heals so much easier than mental pain. Bruises fade within a week or two. The emotional scars from my childhood are still there nearly 40 years later.

I don’t know how to love. I don’t know what it feels like to be loved. I have friends who love me, but that’s a different kind of love. I have never been the most important person in anyone’s life except for perhaps the first two years of my son’s life when he depended on me for everything. My son is in 6th grade now, and nearly as tall as me. I realized today that he has told me he loves me more than both of my parents put together. Maybe it’s just an automatic sign off when we get off the phone, but it still touches me. The only other family member who always made it a point to say “I love you” was my stepdad. That’s right. The one who married into my family could tell me that he loved me, but my own parents couldn’t express it. Not that I am ungrateful to my parents. After all, without them, I wouldn’t be here. Then again, I’m pretty messed up medically, so maybe that wouldn’t be so bad.

I keep telling myself to just keep on being me, and maybe someday I’ll find that “perfect” person out there that is supposedly waiting for me. Unfortunately, I don’t believe in perfect, and I don’t see myself ever finding anyone who can see past the physical problems and the mental problems, and deciding it’s worth it. There are a lot more women out there who have less baggage, and require less effort. I know that deep down in the reptilian core of my mind, I’m searching for the unconditional love that I sought from my father, who was an expert at throwing rejection back in my face and telling me everything in life I have done wrong, and probably will do wrong. If I thought I’d live long enough, I’d joke about becoming the crazy old cat lady, but instead, I worry about who is going to care for my cat when I’m gone.

For those who know me, yeah, the pain is excruciating today. Worse than normal. I tell myself that it’s just pain, and to go on, but sometimes, I just wish I had someone who loved me enough to hold me and lie to me to tell me that everything will be okay.

Time for a little levity

04 Sep 2013 Leave a comment

by jes in Life, Relationships Tags: ,

I know that my past few posts have been rather serious, and perhaps even depressing to some people, and that’s not my intention. I write about the things that are relevant in my life, and maybe it means something to someone else, and maybe it’s just drivel. For me, it’s a way of organizing my thoughts and blowing off steam. Today though, I thought I’d share a little bit of insight as to why I am single, and have given up on ever having a serious, long-term relationship. No names will be provided, nor will there be dates, so the men in question can remain happily anonymous (and/or oblivious). We call this “I knew [the relationship] was over when…” And yes, every single item below is absolutely true. I knew it was over when:

  • He told me that he couldn’t see me next weekend, because he was going to be in a wedding that weekend. His own.
  • He broke up with me because spending time with me was keeping him away from hanging out with his friends
  • I came home from work sick, and found him in bed with my then-best friend
  • He told me that he could tell that I was becoming an alcoholic because I went out and had a glass of wine with friends after work
  • (the ugly one here) He shoved me into a wall and told me that I was a waste of space
  • He went off to college in another state, without letting me know until he was moved into his new dorm
  • He decided that he would rather get shot at as a government contractor in Kuwait than be with me
  • He called me from jail and asked if I could bail him out. And also his girlfriend. After they were arrested for having sex in public.
  • He started talking to me in babytalk
  • He told me that if I really loved him, I’d get rid of my cat
  • He lied to me about graduating high school

I could go on, but I’ll cut it short for now. The funny thing (to me) is that I warn men up-front that I am very difficult to deal with.  I’m pretty darn close to being a Type A personality (or whatever the current terminology is) and I have extremely high standards as far as basic cleanliness and manners and, well, honesty. I don’t think I’m unreasonable to expect that if you make a huge mess in my kitchen, that you wash the dishes, or at least stack them in the dishwasher. I also don’t think it’s unreasonable to wipe down the counters when something sticky gets spilled on them. I just want to be treated with respect. 

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Shikata ga nai

24 Aug 2013 Leave a comment

by jes in Faith, Life Tags: , , ,

The rough translation of that phrase is “It cannot be helped, so don’t worry about it.” This has been my constant motto over these past 11 months, most especially in the past two months when my life started unravelling at a faster pace than usual. I tell myself that wasting time and energy over something one has no control over only causes stress and heartache for the person who is worrying, because worrying alone will not solve anything. That is, of course, always easier said than done. It is human nature to worry about things we cannot control. Living in California, I get asked a lot if I worry about “the big one” earthquake which will level everything and cause massive destruction and loss of life. I don’t worry about it, because I don’t have the ability to stop an earthquake from happening. Living in the Carolinas, I was frequently asked if I worried about hurricanes. Again, why worry about something that may or may not happen. The outcome is going to be the same no matter what. I do try to prepare myself for any eventuality, and do what I can to minimize my own personal losses if one of these disasters were to strike.

What about the little things, though? If you worried about every little thing, you wouldn’t have any time to enjoy the life you have and to make plans to make things better in the future. This has been a very turbulent two months for me. At times, it felt like the universe was “out to get me” but it’s not personal. Things happen that you cannot control, and you either have to accept it, or find a solution. As soon as I stopped worrying about what was going to potentially happen, everything came together. It’s not that the universe was out to get me, it was just that I was worrying so much about hypothetical situations and problems that may have happened that I didn’t realize that whatever was going to happen was going to happen whether I worried about it or not.

I’m not advocating doing nothing and just hoping for the best, but rather to stop worrying about what could or could not happen. Everything does happen for a reason, even if you don’t know what the reason is. Sometimes the answer is not the one that you were expecting, but it’s the right one for right now. I have been very vocal about my dislike of San Diego, and keep talking about how I want to get out of here and get back to my adopted home state of South Carolina, but all I’ve done so far is talk. I can give a dozen reasons for why I haven’t done anything towards that goal, but the simple answer is that it’s just not the right time yet. When it’s time, it will happen.

Since my last post, my two most pressing concerns have been solved. The foster cat that I took in to look after has been adopted to a wonderful couple whom I know will make her very happy, and she them. I have also settled my housing situation, at least temporarily, until I am ready to move forward in whatever direction life sends me. Maybe I won’t end up in South Carolina again. Maybe I’ll end up somewhere completely different. It doesn’t matter. I will find my happiness wherever I go, by always remembering to be the best me that I can be, and not worrying about everything else. As John Lennon once said, “Life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans.”

I envy small children in the fact that every new day is filled with new and wonderful things. As an adult, I have to remind myself that this is the life I have, and that it is my choice as to whether I will enjoy it, or be miserable. So, I stop to smell the roses (figuratively – sometimes they are other flowers instead), and I laugh out loud when I see a child or an animal just enjoying being in the now, and I remind myself that, while every day may not be a good one – today was a horrible emotional roller coaster for me –  there is beauty in the world. Stop and look around and really look at the life you’re living in. If you are unhappy with it, you have the power to change it. It may be a small change, or it may be a large one, but don’t continue to be unhappy by doing the same thing(s) that are making you unhappy. Do something special for yourself, because you are the most important person in your own life. And stop worrying about things you can’t change. Either let go of the worry, or find a way to change it for the better. And if all else fails, find a kitten or a puppy to snuggle with (or maybe a snake or a gerbil, or some other creature that makes you happy). Life goes on. 

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I have faith

22 Aug 2013 Leave a comment

by jes in Faith, Travel

When people ask me what my religion is, I always reply that I don’t have a religion, I have a faith. I consider myself a Buddhist, although I could certainly use some help in that area of my life. I do try to follow the basic tenets of the faith:

  • All life knows suffering. Nobody gets what they want out of life.
  • The cause of suffering is ignorance and clinging.T Wanting it is the problem.
  • There is a way to end suffering. By learning not to want it.
  • This is the way to end suffering: The Eightfold Path.
  1. Right Understanding Learning the nature of reality and the truth about life.
  2. Right Aspiration Making the commitment to living in such a way that our suffering can end.
  3. Right Effort Just Do It. No Excuses.
  4. Right Speech Speaking the truth in a helpful and compassionate way.
  5. Right Conduct Living a life consistent with our values.
  6. Right Livelihood Earning a living in a way that doesn’t hurt others.
  7. Right Mindfulness Recognizing the value of the moment; living where we are.
  8. Right Concentration Expanding our consciousness through meditation.

I am not a perfect person. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. I have made a lot of bad choices in my life. I have ignored good advice from others trying to help me with their greater knowledge because I was too stubborn to hear. Every now and then, I get it right, and I have small moments of perfection in my life. I have been diagnosed with Dysthymic Disorder (why does everything have to be a disorder these days? True, it could be worse. I could have Major Depressive Disorder or Seasonal Affective Disorder or Unipolar depression. I have some friends who have these diseases, and while I hate that they have to deal with the disease and the stigma that is still attached to “mental illness” I am also immensely grateful that my “mild” form of depression is mostly easy to deal with.

I have not had an easy life. In comparison to the rest of the world, that statement could be laughable. At the moment, I have a roof over my head, and I can afford to eat and drink sanitary food and water. Now, here is the bad part. I know that I am going to die at a relatively young age. I think I knew that as fact when I had to be taken to the hospital over and over again when I was a child to find out what was wrong with my kidneys. The night I gave birth to my son, I was told at the hospital that my kidneys had stopped functioning normally, and that I wasn’t going anywhere until I had that baby. I was then given a warning that another pregnancy could end up with my being on dialysis either temporarily or permanently. Then came the headache. It started back in 2005, and my doctor then thought it was a migraine, because my sister has a history of migraines, and I was showing a lot of the symptoms of a migraine. So, we tried assorted medications. At least five that I remember. The headache would fade for a bit, and then come back again. By the time August of 2009 rolled around, the headache had developed into a massive pain that felt how I would imagine it feels to have an ice pick jammed up the back of your skull and out through your eyeballs. I am in a constant state of pain. I honestly cannot remember what it feels like to NOT be in pain.

Most days, I am okay. I get dressed, I go to work, or do my chores, survive the day, and go to sleep in anticipation of tossing and turning all night from the intense pain, and wondering how my body is going to torture me next. I’ve gotten so good at disguising the pain that most people don’t realize that there is anything wrong with me aside from my warped sense of humor. Then, I’ll have a bad day and my world will come crashing down around me, spiraling me into a depressive funk where I feel like I just cannot handle the pain any longer. Those are the days that I long to just die and get it over with, but I can’t be that selfish. So, how does this long, rambling post relate back to my title regarding faith?

I was mostly happy living in my tiny little town in South Carolina, until my mom guilted me into moving back to San Diego. I knew I didn’t like the city when I left it, but once I returned, I realized just how badly I hated it. The traffic is terrible, the housing prices are ridiculously high, and the pay is ridiculously low compared to what I had gotten used to. There is nothing about this city that makes me the least bit happy. There are, however, people that I have either met or re-connected with by moving back that I would have never had the pleasure to know if I hadn’t come back. Does that mean that I don’t think longingly of living in a quiet town where you’re more likely to hear the lowing of a cow than the screaming of a fire engine siren or a police helicopter overhead.

I am at a crossroad right now. The lease on the apartment where I am currently living in is up at the end of the month, and as of right now, I have not been able to find any place to live that fits within my mediocre budget. So, I am packing up all my belongings into boxes, to be stacked neatly in a storage unit, awaiting a decision from me. I don’t know what’s in my future. The open road beckons me. Some people are designed to settle down in one place and spend the rest of their life there. I have a few friends who have never even left the state they were born in. I am not one of those people. I am restless. I am a wanderer. I don’t have much life span left. Or maybe I do. I don’t know. Where do I go from here? I am letting go of the worry and letting my destiny unfold as it will. Maybe something good will come out of it, and maybe something bad. Either way, it is life. So long as I have my cat with me, nothing else matters.

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I am adrift in my sailboat, rudderless, awaiting the right wind to tell me which direction my destiny awaits

28 May 2013 Leave a comment

by jes in Life Tags: , ,

It’s no secret that I am not a fan of San Diego. I moderately disliked it when I was growing up, but it wasn’t until I freed myself by moving to North, and then later, South Carolina that I realized how wonderful a true “home” can be. I know there are many out there who think that you’d have to be crazy to give up the year round sunshine and beautiful beaches to live anywhere else. It’s unfortunate that it’s all spin courtesy of the Tourism Board. In the winter, it drops as low as 30° and in the summer it gets as warm as 110° and we won’t even discuss the smog that makes it impossible to breathe. As to those lovely beaches, regular surfers are recommended to keep their Hep vaccines current, because there is all kinds of nasty things swirling around in the water that comes up from Baja California.

It’s been nearly 5 years since I’ve returned to this city where I was born, but do not consider home. The urge to leave gets stronger every day, to the point where it’s been almost an obsession to find a way out of here. Thankfully, I have some wonderful friends who are willing to help me out, and I may just find myself on the road again soon, to points unknown. As much as I tell myself I want to return to the Carolinas, there are still 8 states I have yet to visit, and there is always the possibility that I may fall even more in love with one of them. Then again, maybe I’ll end up somewhere completely different altogether.

Since I was very young, I felt that I just didn’t fit in. Somehow, I just didn’t quite mesh with my family or this city I grew up in. That’s not to say that I dislike my family. I just don’t think I’ve ever been terribly important to them, and I’m okay with that. I’m different. I accept that. My sister was the wonder child, and no matter how hard I tried, I could never be as good as her. So, I took a different path, and ended up in different places, with different experiences. Maybe some were good, some of them were definitely bad. Each one was a learning experience. I try to not make the same mistakes twice. I’ve been known to jump feet first into situations without adequately making sure there is a safety net below me.

I’m getting older, but I still don’t feel like I’m a grown up. There are many days when I just want my mom to give me a hug and tell me that I’ve turned into a good person. Perfect strangers frequently tell me that I am wonderful, and a pleasure to speak with, and that I’ve brightened their days. I wonder what went wrong with me that my own family doesn’t feel the same about me. And so, I wander. Do I have a home? No, all I have is a place to sleep at night and keep a few belongings. Even in my own “home” I don’t belong. I’m not wanted here, and I wonder if I’ll ever find a place where I am wanted.

Beginnings and endings

17 Feb 2013 Leave a comment

by jes in Life

I haven’t written in a while because my life fell apart for a while. The last post that I wrote was about how much I love my sweet 14-year-old best friend cat. Unfortunately, in December, I had to say goodbye to him. I cried nonstop for nearly a week. There is no way to accurately convey how close the relationship between us was, to anyone who has never loved a cat like mine. He came to me from a dumpster, where someone had thrown him away. I rescued him and he rescued me. I was in a bad place in my life when he and his brother came in and brightened the way. He was a best friend, in kitty form. He came to work with me most days, and lounged on or under my desk. He traveled across country with me when I decided to up and move from Southern California to North Carolina, and years later, when I tucked tail and came home again. He was there to comfort me through all my ups and downs. He was there when I was diagnosed with melanoma, and curled up with me when I had debilitating migraines, which turned out to not be migraines at all. He was just there. He was a best friend and an endless comfort. When I got the grim news in October 2011 that he had 3 weeks to live, I vowed to enjoy every moment that I could. 3 weeks stretched into 3 months, and eventually over a year. And then, suddenly, it ended. A midnight rush to the emergency vet clinic, a faint hope that he’d pull through again, and then a day when he was in so much pain all he could do was curl up and cry. I did what I hope any responsible pet owner would do, and took him to the vet and held him tight and cried into his soft fur while saying goodbye.

It still pains me to think back on it. It’s been a few months now, and a new cat has entered my life. I didn’t mean for it to happen, but everything happens for a reason. The new cat is as different from my Moo as possible. He’s hyper and crazy and loves chasing rubber bands instead of lasers. He’s also a “special needs” cat. He had been mistreated by his previous owners and now had permanent damage to his urinary tract, which requires special (read: very expensive) prescription cat food. I seem to attract the broken things in life. I don’t fool myself into thinking that I’m some sort of healer or even particularly special, but maybe my own broken-ness is what causes the attraction. I know that I am emotionally damaged, and taking care of others is my way of healing myself.

The other major change in my life right now is work related. I’ve finally – after nearly 5 years – found another full-time job. I’m taking a hiatus from my part-time job while I train for this new position, and I’m seriously considering whether to go back. I’ve started volunteering at a rescue operation for kitties, to help them find homes, and I really enjoy that much more than the thought of going back to the retail environment where I busted my ass for so many years for so little appreciation. I don’t need to decide immediately, so I’ll think on it for a while longer. The more things change, the more they stay the same. There is more going on in my life that needs to change, but I’m not ready to examine it too closely in the light of day yet. There are so many things that have happened in the past 6 months that I don’t know how to mentally sort them right now. I do know that writing has always helped me clarify my thoughts, so I’m intending to get back on here on a regular basis again, even if it’s just silly rambling like tonight. Bear with me while I try to get my head on straight.

 

I am thankful for my cat

09 Sep 2012 Leave a comment

by jes in Life, My health

My cat is dying. I’ve known this since last October when I noticed he had lost a considerable amount of weight. I took him to the vet, and she advised me that he had end stage kidney disease and that he likely had only a few months to live. I ante up every month for really expensive cat food that is supposed to help his kidneys work better, and it seems to be working, because it’s September now & he’s still chugging along. I worry about him though, because I know his time is limited. He and I have spent fourteen years together, traveling all over the country and generally enjoying life.

The reason I am thankful for my cat though is that he keeps me alive. Dealing with chronic pain, and the associated chronic depression, there are many days I really just want to die. I can’t though, because then there would be no one to take care of my cat. I worry about what’s going to happen when he inevitably dies and I no longer have him to rely on. It’s a huge burden for a little cat to bear.

Today has been one of the bad days. I go through cycles of pain medications working for a while, and then they stop working for a while. I’m on a downward spiral right now, and I don’t know when it will end. Eventually, my body will decide that pain meds are a good thing, and allow me back into that realm of almost-normal. In the meantime, I feel like someone has taken a baseball bat to me and worked my entire body over quite thoroughly. Hopefully this will be a short trip into hell, and I can get back into just dealing with the headache.

Life is never dull around me

08 Sep 2012 Leave a comment

by jes in Life Tags: ,

Thursday, the boyfriend and I went our to do some errands. Normal stuff like grocery shopping and trying to buy a rat to feed to his snake. Unfortunately, the pet store was all out of medium sized rats, so the snake hasn’t been fed yet. On the drive back to the boyfriend’s house, his car started acting up. The engine was choking every time he’d press the gas. I figured it for a fuel filter probably (since he just had the fuel pump replaced) but payday isn’t until the end of the week. Fortunately, we have almost identical schedules, do we can carpool in my car until his car gets fixed.

The big bummer of this is that we still need to move at the end of the month & moving isn’t cheap. It seems like every time we make plans for something expensive, something more expensive always comes up. Oh well, life goes on. We’ll figure it a way to make it through somehow.

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