My week has been a bit of a roller coaster

17 Aug 2014 1 Comment

by jes in Knee surgery, Life

Last week started out very low. Not only do I have depression (I personally hate the phrase “suffer from depression”), but I am also extremely empathetic, so the death of Robin Williams struck me very personally. For most of the week I was in a pretty deep funk, and it was hard to pull myself out again. Finally Friday rolled around, and with it came my measly little paycheck from only working 3 hours a day, five days a week. It doesn’t add up to very much. Fortunately, it was enough to provide just enough funds to be able to repair the slashed roof on my car. That put me into a better mood, even though it means waiting until next Friday before they can actually install said roof. It’s been nearly a month since it was sliced open; I can wait another few days. While I was wallowing in my misery, I was also feeling very alone, as my best friend and “other half” was out of town and I wasn’t able to talk with him daily like I normally do. He’s the one I depend on to cheer me up and remind me that things will get better.

Also on Friday, I had a conference call with the founder of the rescue group I volunteer for, to let me know that I’m ready to start interviewing potential adopters instead of just listening in and learning. I was extremely nervous about the idea, even though this is something that I wanted to do, because I had listened in on all of our senior counselors doing interviews and they all sound so professional and knowledgeable and I feel like I’m just struggling along, trying to remember everything I’m supposed to cover. Well, tonight, I made my first call to a prospective adopter and it went really well. I had one of the senior counselors listening in, and afterwards she told me that I did very well and didn’t seem nervous at all. Maybe the two bourbons I had before the call helped.

I’m hoping that my life smooths out a bit. I’m trying to make plans for the future, but it’s hard to do when I don’t know what’s going on with my knees. I’m just getting through one day at a time here.

Words of a parent

13 Aug 2014 Leave a comment

by jes in Relationships Tags: , ,

My parents and I have never had the best relationships. It’s no surprise to anyone who knows me to find out that my father and I have gone on years’ long periods of not communicating with each other. In many ways, I think our problem is that we’re too much alike. As I approach 40, I find that I’m mending fences and letting go of old hurts. That’s not to say that my relationship with my father is great now, but we’re slowly getting to “good.”

Throughout my childhood, it was very evident that my older sister was the favorite. She had free reign to do as she liked, and our father frequently bankrolled her. He did things for her that he later refused to do for me. I could write an entire blog entry on all the things I missed out on that my sister got to enjoy, but I’m learning to let go and release that anger. I can’t change the past, all I can do is learn from it. The funny thing is, when my mom and I were discussing this, she admitted that my sister was treated differently than I was. She called my sister “the experiment” and my upbringing was a direct result of what they learned from how they treated my sister. That’s not to say that it was fair, but it did explain a lot to me.

Another thing my mom recently told me was that she was a horrible mother. I don’t think she was, but I don’t have another mother to compare her to, so I don’t know. She admitted that after she and our father divorced, she gave up cooking and left my sister and me to essentially raise ourselves while she put herself through law school and worked full-time. She stated that she thought it was amazing that we turned out as well as we did, mistakes and all. Then she brought up an article that she had read in a magazine from a mother’s day issue where women talked about the things they learned from their mothers. Mom asked me what I thought I learned from her. I told her that I learned that I can be independent and to follow my heart, even when it leads me down the wrong path. There are so many things I wish my mother had taught me. I wish she had taught me how to balance a checkbook and learn to live within a budget, so that I didn’t accrue so much debt. I wish she had taught me about relationships. She and I have never discussed any of the boys (and later men) that I dated, and never held me or talked to me through those painful high school breakups. She never talked to me about sex, and in return, I never talked to her about being raped and later beaten. We didn’t talk about serious things. We still don’t talk about serious things very well.

I wonder sometimes if my son thinks I’m a horrible mother. After all, I’m never around. I don’t call nearly enough or visit hardly at all. I try to inquire about what’s going on in his life, but I get the normal teenage answers of “nothing’s going on.” I think of the things that I want my son to know, so that he grows up to be a better person than I am. I want my son to feel like he can come to me for anything and I will give him honest answers, even when those answers are painful.

Today is the final day of “Mental Health Awareness Month”

31 May 2014 1 Comment

by jes in Depression, Faith, Knee surgery, Life, My health, Panic Disorder Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

I’d written previously about how May was designated as the official “Mental Health Awareness Month” and how I felt that it should not be limited to just 31 days out of the year. I, of course, still feel that way. For those who have not been following my blog regularly, or have just started reading it recently, I’ll give a brief overview. I have two forms of depression: Borderline Personality Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder. I also suffer from panic attacks and anxiety. If you’d like to read more about any of these subjects, the NIMH website is a great place to start. It gives a detailed overview of the various types of depression, as well as a comprehensive explanation of what it all means.

Unfortunately, every person is different, and everyone’s presentation of mental illness and ability to cope will be different. I hide behind the walls I learned to put up after 6 years of drama school, and most people don’t realize I have any mental issues unless I intentionally share them. I’m trying to share them more now, to try to lessen the stigma of what it’s like to have mental illness. Most people think that the mentally ill are those homeless people who stagger around mumbling to themselves and panhandling. A great many of them are, but only because they haven’t had the opportunities I’ve had to seek help. I have had two excellent doctors who have helped me tremendously with finding the right course of medication that helps control my depression and allows me to live like a “normal” person most days.

I go through cycles where everything will be going great, and then some little thing will go wrong and I spiral down into depression. Lately, it’s been my knee issue. I feel like I’m taking two steps forward and one step back on a regular basis, except for those times when I’m only taking one step forward and two steps back. I deal with a lot of pain in my day to day life because of the bone spur in my C5 vertebra that is pressing against the nerves and causing a “migraine” that has been with me every single day since about April of 2006. Thankfully, I have an extremely high tolerance for pain, as I’m opiate resistant, so narcotics don’t help me at all.

At one point, I thought that I might be bi-polar, because I’d go through such intense mood swings, but I never truly hit mania and I never fit the other symptoms, according to my doctor. It’s just the regular cycle of depression. You start out okay, and then something triggers it and down the drain you go. Eventually, you fight your way back out of it and live normally for a while, and then you start the process all over again.

I don’t claim to be an expert on depression of any kind. I only know my own. I worry that my son will follow in my footsteps, so to speak, so I’m happy that he lives with his dad, who is a more stable individual. A person whom I consider to be a very good friend of mine wrote online today that she can’t take it anymore and felt completely unloved. I know it is the depression talking, and I sincerely hope that those who are (physically and mentally) closer to her can help her get through this. I know she is deserving of love, and I love her dearly, as do many of our friends. It’s so hard though, when the depression is lying to you and telling you you’re not good enough, or not pretty enough, or thin enough, or not deserving of love, because you are. Depression lies. It lies to you constantly and makes you doubt your own feelings until you don’t know if what you feel is true or if it’s just your illness making you feel that way.

Earlier this week I had a severe mental breakdown because I felt that my knee wasn’t getting any better and that I was going to have to live with yet another permanent pain in my life. I allowed myself to cry for a day and feel sorry for myself, and then I talked myself into believing that everything happens within its own time, and that I just have to be patient and let myself heal at whatever speed that is. I know I push myself too hard, and that’s one of my weaknesses. Unfortunately, pushing myself too hard on a newly operated knee can result in causing more damage than good, so I’ve had to go back to being a lazy lump with an ice pack  and elevation to try to get the swelling down, and to not walk any more than possible. I hate it though, because I’m not the type of person who can just sit around and do nothing all day. There’s only so much reading or crocheting I can do before I go batty.

 

Waking up to sad news is never a good thing

28 May 2014 Leave a comment

by jes in Depression, Faith, Knee surgery, Life Tags: , , ,

Maya Angelou passed away this morning. I didn’t know her, except through her writing, but she always felt like a friend to me. I can’t say that I know what it’s like to grow up dirt poor as a black girl in the south during the heart of the civil rights movement, but she made it come alive for me in a way that other writers never could. Maybe because there were so many incidences that we both shared in our lives; it made me feel less lonely. I will miss her voice.

This entire past week has been a rough one for me. I’ve slipped back into my depression, but I’m fighting hard. One of my Pandora stations is a country station that I’ve put together, which is limited to songs that were released prior to 2006 (with a few exceptions), because that’s when I stopped listening to country for the most part. It started to get too personal. I like relating to my music, but I don’t want it telling my life story. A few days ago, I made the mistake of tuning in to that particular station, and a string of songs came on that reminded me of happier times, when I had fewer worries, I still enjoyed life and spending time with my best friend, and my life hadn’t yet unraveled.

I don’t know how other people react, but when a song reminds me of a happier time, and I know I’ll never have that moment again, it puts me in a sad mood. So basically, the entire theme of my week is one of sadness. I’m trying to break out of it and trying to find my inner peace and happiness again, but it’s been rough.

On Friday afternoon, just before my surgeon’s office closed, one of my incisions reopened after having the stitch removed the previous morning. I did what any sensible gear-head/field doctor would do and re-sealed it with super glue until I was able to get in to see my doctor yesterday. He’s not concerned about it, except that it’s going to leave a scar. Honestly, what’s one more scar to add to the hundreds I already have?

I’m trying to decide on a tattoo for my right arm to camouflage many of the scars on that arm. I’m thinking of a climbing rose, to honor my paternal grandmother, as my orchid honors my maternal grandparents. I’m not sure yet, so it won’t be happening any time soon. It will definitely be flowers of some kind. I’d like it to be bright and colorful, so maybe just wildflowers. I’m in no hurry, and it’s best to not get something permanent done while depressed anyway.

Time is fluid, kind of like cats

06 May 2014 Leave a comment

by jes in Faith, Knee surgery Tags: , , ,

Anyone who knows anything about cats know that they are made of liquid. They melt to fit inside any size or shape of vessel, just like water.

Time is also fluid. I know it it’s an artificial construct to provide more stability & accountability so things get done when they need to.

For the past three weeks, people have been commenting on how quickly my surgery is coming up. It’s just over a week away now. That does make it seem like it’s gone really quickly, but I first injured it on September 7th. That means it’s actually 8 months & 7 days to get to the point of surgery.

The closer it gets, the more I stress over it. I tell myself that it’s minor surgery and nothing to worry about and myself laughs at me. To me, it’s major surgery because it’s my body he’s cutting into. Fortunately, I trust my surgeon. I know this next week is going to just fly by as I make preparations for post-surgical care. I also have to make sure Morgan gets a good bath and waxing, because it may be a while before I can do that again.

I feel like my life has been turned upside down

18 Apr 2014 2 Comments

by jes in Knee surgery, Life Tags: , , , , ,

I’ve spent the last 7+ months waiting to get my knee fixed, and now that I’ve gotten the approval, I’m a nervous wreck about the whole thing and I don’t want to do it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still going to have the surgery, because it really is the best solution for me, and I wholeheartedly trust my surgeon, but the thought of surgery scares the bejesus out of me.

As a result of being scared stupid over this whole thing, my quality at work has gone downhill significantly in the past month. I have no one to blame but myself, but I just can’t seem to stay focused on work when all I can think about is someone drilling holes into my knee. I’m angry at myself for not being able to control my fear, and for allowing it to interfere with my work quality, because I take pride in doing a great job all the time. I really hate that I’m letting the mental issues get to me.

Speaking of mental issues, the stress of the impending surgery has brought the spinal headache back into full-blown constant pain, which has brought my insomnia back. I’m waking up 3-4 times every night with my head throbbing and my eyes feeling like they’re trying to pop out of my head. I’m just not sure what can be done at this point, because narcotics don’t really do anything for me, and I don’t want to change anything that may end up causing a delay in my surgery.

I decided to be rebellious yesterday and took my brace off around 10am and left it off all day. I just could not abide by it any longer. I hate the brace more and more each day, because it doesn’t seem to help at all. I do know that it is actually helping, because when I don’t wear it, I can feel a definite weakness in the joint and it makes the most horrid cracking/grinding/crunching noises.

Due to all the medical issues I have going on, I’m trying to simplify other areas of my life. I’ve stepped back from interviewing prospective volunteers for the cat rescue organization that I volunteer with, and I’m learning to say no to people who ask if I can do favors for them. I’m trying to find a happy work/volunteer balance in my life. I have no social life to speak of, so that hasn’t changed. I don’t really have anyone special in my life besides my cat, and that doesn’t really count. I’m not interested in dating because I don’t want to have to deal with the inevitable breakup when I pack up and move back to the Carolinas eventually. Yes, I know that I could be missing out on something special by not giving the men out here a chance, but since I’m not happy here, I’d rather wait until I’m happy before I try finding someone else to be happy with.

That’s about all I have going on right now. Work, knee problems, stress, insomnia, stress, headaches, volunteer work, and stress. I am counting down the days until my surgery, and hoping that I’ll be recovered in time for our big fundraiser three weeks later. In the meantime, I’m just trying to get through each day as they come.

Panic attacks are not fun

08 Apr 2014 Leave a comment

by jes in Depression, Life, My health, Panic Disorder Tags: , , , ,

I have Panic Disorder (in addition to Major Depressive Disorder), and most of the time, I’m able to control it through medication. Unfortunately, a few days ago, I hit the perfect storm of running out of Xanax just before my delivery was scheduled to be delivered by my mail pharmacy, only to go check the mail and realize that someone had pried open the box and stolen all the mail, including my medication. I went into a full-blown panic attack on Sunday, knowing that I had to suck it up and try to just get through it using willpower alone. Fortunately, my best friend understands my condition and asked me to call him, and stayed on the phone with me until I could breathe again.

I don’t know what other people’s panic attacks feel like, but when I’m having one I get super-overheated and start sweating profusely, my heart rate goes way up (from my normal resting pulse of 55 bpm to as high as 150 bpm) and I feel like I’m going to die of a heart attack. My senses shut down until my eyesight gets so blurry I can’t see, my hearing turns into a whooshing sound like I’m trying to hear underwater, and my head feels like I’m spinning in circles too fast and can’t get my bearings. On top of this, I start to hyperventilate and can’t speak in complete sentences without concentrating really hard.

It’s a horrible feeling. One moment you’re fine, and the next you feel like you’re going to die at any moment. My doctor and I have tried to figure out what my “triggers” are for many years, and I don’t seem to have any. I just get random attacks. Thankfully, I was able to explain the situation to my mail order pharmacy and they are going to expedite a replacement shipment to me, and my doctor ordered enough at my local pharmacy to get me through until the mail order comes in.

The biggest problem with mental illness is that those who don’t have it don’t understand that it’s not a choice. I can’t just decide to be happy or decide to not have a panic attack. That would be the same as trying to not be female or not have brown eyes. Yeah, I can mask the brown eyes with colored contacts, but beneath the contacts, my eyes will always be brown. Same with mental illness, I can mask the symptoms but the underlying disease is always there. Having depression and panic disorder is not anything I would wish upon anyone, much less myself. It’s extremely stigmatized still, and it’s hard to control.

If you know someone who has depression or some other mental illness, please don’t tell them to just be happy and it will all get better. Ask what you can do to help them out. Sometimes we just need a person to cry on until the worst of it passes. I’m okay today, for the most part. I can’t tell you how I’ll feel tomorrow. Each day is a surprise as to whether it’s going to be an easy day or a difficult one. Thankfully, I have some great friends who understand me and don’t make me feel like I’m some sort of freak.  Next, I need to get my family to understand it.

A little bit of sunshine in my life

30 Mar 2014 Leave a comment

by jes in Life Tags: , ,

I was going to focus on my knee problem with this post today, but then I decided it’s too depressing (not to mention boring as hell to read about), so instead, I thought I’d write a post regarding things that make me happy, since it’s such a rainy, dreary day outside.

We’ll start with one knee related item (yeah, sorry about that, just a little). I’ve been assigned a new worker’s comp administrator who is now in charge of my case. I absolutely adore her, not just because she keeps me up to date on a regular basis as to what is going on with my case, but also because she disagrees with the denial I received and is planning on overturning it just as soon as she receives the full report from my orthopedic surgeon.

Even though it doesn’t much look like it, it’s now officially spring, and that means lots and lots of flowers. I’ve always loved having flowers around because they’re so bright and cheerful, and usually smell beautiful. Every day I tell myself that I’m going to stop by a florist and pick up a bouquet for my desk, but then I realize that everyone is still closed when I leave for work at 5:30am. I guess I’ll have to buy them the night before and bring them in the morning.

It rained again overnight. I know most of my friends in the rest of the country are miserable from the horrid weather this past winter, but I’m stuck in San Diego, where the weather is usually dull and predictable, so when we do get the occasional rain, it’s always a happy thing for me. I love the feel of walking through the rain and how fresh and clean everything smells once the rain has passed. It’s a sad fact that we’re so used to the terrible pollution stench here that we don’t even notice it until it has rained and the sky turns a bright blue and the air smells wonderful.

I haven’t done any baking recently, but it’s on my list of things I’d like to do this coming weekend, to celebrate my change in schedule. The last time I baked was for my birthday back in early February, and I have a recipe for a sour cream coffee cake that’s been percolating in my mind for the past few days that I’d like to try baking.

I’ll just add one more item, to make it five altogether. For today, the final thing that makes me happy and brings a smile to my face is my cat Tiggy. He always knows when I’m having a bad day or feeling down, and starts clowning around until I give in and rub his belly, and it usually snaps me out of my bad mood. I also adore the fact that he likes to snuggle right up against me while I’m sleeping.

So there you go; five things that make me happy right now. There are many other things, and I’ll probably get around to listing them someday, so that on those days when I’m feeling really down, I can always look back at these lists and realize that there are always things that make me happy; I just need to think about them instead of what is bothering me.

I am perfectly imperfect

13 Feb 2014 1 Comment

by jes in Life, Relationships Tags: , ,

As a single woman, I have a deep loathing for St Valentine’s Day. I prefer to think of it as my late Uncle Ronnie’s birthday and then treat it as any other normal day.

Remember back in elementary school, when we had to give a Valentine’s Day card to every other kid in the class, whether you liked them (as a person) or not? I’m pretty sure that 6th grade was the last time I received a Valentine’s Day card. It shouldn’t matter, since it’s a Hallmark holiday and not really celebrating anything except to divide those who have someone in their life with the rest of us.

I’ve been told that I’m pretty, I’ve been told that I’m smart, I’ve been told that I’m kind and thoughtful and fun to be around, and then I get stuffed into what is so commonly known as “the friendzone.” I’m not dating material. I have more medical problems than some nursing homes. I prefer the company of my cat to that of most people. My ideal “night out” is being at home with a good book these days, since I can’t actually go out and do anything right now.

The strange thing is, I’m okay with that. Relationships tend to end badly for me, in either one of two ways: violence or apathy. Thankfully, it’s usually apathy. I’m an easy girlfriend to lose interest in, because I am  who I say I am. I don’t try to impress people with pretending to be interested in things that I’m not, and I’m not afraid to call bullshit on someone who is trying to impress me when they don’t know what they’re talking about. I know I’m generalizing here, but men aren’t interested in finding a woman who is exactly what they’re looking for. No matter what they say or think, they always want to fix whatever they think is broken about you, or change you to better fit whatever “ideal” mold they have designed in their mind.

I’ve discovered it’s easier to just not get involved with anyone. I like who I am, most of the time. I’m weird, I’m eclectic, I enjoy having crazy colored hair, I think a good book is better company than most people (especially those who watch any sort of “reality” TV), I get a stupid grin on my face every time I see my car because it reminds me that I can be me instead of who I’m expected to be. I’m not perfect, but I’m perfectly me. I like me.

My birthday has come and gone

11 Feb 2014 1 Comment

by jes in Faith, Knee surgery, Life, Travel Tags: , ,

Considering that I “did nothing” special this year, it was still one of the best birthdays because my family & friends all chipped in & made sure that I felt special.

I’ve reached the point in my life that dependable friends & family are way more important than presents (although the surprise gift card capped a great day).

I’m still trying to figure out my direction in life, and a lot of that has to do with waiting endlessly for updates on my knee. At this rate, it will be September again before it all gets sorted. I’m not in a hurry anymore. I’m not anxious to escape San Diego at first opportunity as I had been. Instead, I’ve applied my adoption cat philosophy, with a twist. Instead of “the right cat will find you at the right time” I’m thinking that “the right opportunity will present itself at the right time” and until it does, I’ll just keep on being the best me I can be in a city I’m not fond of, but where I happen to be.

Happiness is what you make of it, and I’m determined to be happy, despite all my recent problems & setbacks. Shikata ga nai. If you can’t change it, don’t worry over it.

39 will be a good year for me.

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