My life kind of fell apart there for a while

14 Oct 2013 1 Comment

by jes in Uncategorized Tags: , , , ,

It does seem to do that on at least a semi-regular basis. It’s like a horrible dance where I take two steps forward and then three steps back. On the 7th of September, I managed to hurt one of my last remaining good joints while doing that most basic of things: walking up a staircase. The good news is, it happened while I was heading into work, so it’s now a worker’s comp issue. The bad news is, it happened while I was heading into work, so it’s now a worker’s comp issue. Worker’s comp is apparently designed to slowly drive people crazy, so they just fall to the floor weeping instead of trying to get better. I reported it to my immediate supervisor immediately, and from there it went to HR. HR sent me to see a doctor to evaluate my injury. The doctor examined my knee, took x-rays, and then tried contorting my leg into all sorts of positions that may or may not be listed in the Kama Sutra, but really should not be attempted while fully clothed and with a doctor you’ve just met. He then told me that it appears that I have “patellofemoral syndrome.” Unfortunately, I am well familiar with that horrible diagnosis, from having discovered it in my left knee some years ago. For those who don’t know what it is, and don’t feel up to researching it, essentially, it’s a structural weakness wherein my kneecap (aka patella) slides out of the groove at the top of the femur (shin bone) and kinda off to the side. Ouch. It wasn’t any fun when I had to deal with it in my left knee, and after babying my left knee for the greater part of the past 26 years, I guess it was only a matter of time before the right knee decided that life was just unfair and it wasn’t going to play nicely anymore.

So, the nice doctor asked me if I was familiar with the diagnosis, and I said that yes, I had been dealing with it for years now in my left knee, and realized the path I was going to be merrily wandering down. So, he set me up with a nice new knee brace and an authorization for physical therapy twice a week for the next three weeks, with a follow up appointment in 2 weeks to see how it was doing. I went for my physical therapy, which I will say is QUITE enjoyable, as my therapist is extremely easy on the eyes and has a great sense of humor, as does all his staff, so there’s a lot of joking around while we’re, uh, therapy-ing. After the two weeks, I went back for my follow up appointment, but instead of the nice doctor, I get a different doctor. He glanced at my chart, and at my knee, and asked me to describe what had happened, so I did. He then told me that since I am not a runner, and “these things don’t just happen as an adult” that it couldn’t possibly be patellofemoral syndrome and that it was likely just a mild sprain, and to ice it at least twice a day and come back in 4 weeks. I told him that my PT had advised me that I needed a patellofemoral brace. The doctor told me there was no such thing. I rebutted him by telling him that in the 40 minutes I had spent in the exam room waiting for him, I was able to locate several medical supply companies that sell them, so they must exist. He provided me with a different kind of brace, with no side hinges, which was basically just a neoprene Ace bandage and sent me on my way. When I tried to book my appointment, it turned out that his next available appointment was not for five weeks, apparently. So, I took the appointment I was offered, even though that would leave a gap of 3 weeks past my final physical therapy appointment and the doctor’s appointment. After talking to my PT the next day, he said that the diagnosis could not be more wrong, and gave me advice on the exact type of brace that I need, including the manufacturer and style number, in order to help repair the damage while I am building up the muscles again. So, I called the doctor’s office and explained, and the nice receptionist told me that I could come in sooner, in just three weeks.

So, I let my PT know this when I saw him the next day, and was also told that my worker’s comp had authorized an additional 6 visits for me. Yay for more PT! I went back to the doctor, and he looks at my knee and says that there doesn’t appear to be any swelling, and asked how my PT was going. I handed him the printout of the brace my therapist wants me to use and he derisively tossed it towards my file and asked me if I was still going to PT and how often. I told him that I was going twice a week, and he asked me why I was still going since I was only approved for 6 appointments. I told him that I had been approved for a further 6 appointments, and he sniffed about how no one advised him. He then told me that he could try to talk to the insurance to see if they would consider ordering “this overpriced brace” but that it wasn’t likely to be approved, since one brace is just as good as another if used properly. He advised me to drop to one PT appointment a week if I felt that I needed to go, because it was a waste of time. He also told me that since I showed no improvement at all, that it’s likely that “whatever [I] have is likely never going to improve” and that I should just learn to live with the pain. He then changed my diagnosis from “right knee sprain” to “unspecified right knee pain.” He then mumbled something about it being very inconvenient that I was only willing to see him on Thursdays, and so the next time he could see me would be in five weeks. I stated that I didn’t feel the need to see him at all if that made him feel better, because I’d rather see an orthopedist. I did, however, dutifully make an appointment for five weeks to go back and see him.

Then, I wrote to my worker’s comp company and advised them that I need a new doctor, preferably one who knows something about bone structure. I also notified my HR, to see if they could be of assistance to me in getting a new doctor. So far, nothing. It has become a running joke at my PT appointments that there is nothing wrong with my knee, and I come just for the joking around and other tomfoolery. I have an appointment with my regular physician for this coming Thursday for my annual physical, which I have skipped for the past two years, because I hate his new office staff. I’m glad I decided to call 5 weeks ago to schedule this physical, because it gives me a chance to discuss the whole situation with a doctor whom I respect and trust, to see what he thinks I should do.

Unfortunately, because of all this added stress in my life, along with everything else I’ve previously written about, my “anti-crazy” drugs have pretty much stopped working for me, and I’m in a constant state of just-on-the-edge-of-a-nervous-breakdown. And, in a classic example of negative feedback loops, the stress that I am going through is causing me to be not as good at my job, which is causing my immediate supervisor to come down on me for every little thing she thinks I’m doing wrong, even if no one else in the department gets in trouble for the same thing, which in turn, increases my stress, which…. well, you get the point.

Are you still reading this? Wow. I’m impressed.

So, essentially, I could have shortened this post to: “I got an owie, and doctors are stupid, but my physical therapist is fun.”

It’s one of those times where I just have to try to laugh at everything, because otherwise, I give in to the anxiety, and I refuse to let it win. If anyone still reading at this point knows of some good advise for me (aside from “get an attorney” because I can’t afford one) please let me know. I’m trying to win this game, but I don’t know the rules, and the referees are all hiding somewhere else.

Chaos Theory, aka The Butterfly Effect

18 Sep 2013 1 Comment

by jes in Uncategorized Tags: , , ,

Over the past several months, I have had a slow progressive spiral down towards serious depression. I know that I am prone to depression, so I do whatever I can to avoid it. It’s not a fun place to be. Sometimes, sheer will is the only thing that gets me through the day. The past two weeks have been especially hard on me. I have known for 26 years that my left knee is bum. A combination of patella-femoral syndrome and arthritis, so I’ve spent roughly 68% of my life favoring that leg because of the pain and stiffness. Finally, things came to a head and on Saturday, the 7th, my right knee decided that it’s had enough and it collapsed beneath me. The bright spot in this event is that it happened when I was walking up the stairs on my way into work, so I do have worker’s comp helping me out, but it’s a slow, bureaucratic filled process, and my knee is not getting better on its own, as far as I can tell. I’m waiting for approval to get physical therapy, which hopefully would make everything all better again. Unfortunately, it appears that it is either a severely sprained or torn lateral meniscus, so PT probably won’t do a whole lot, but I can’t do anything else until I get past this next step. That’s not really what this post is about. That was just a mini-vent, because I’m in pain, and being in pain for long periods of time is a known contributor to depression.

On to the real statement of this post.

I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. I’m sure I’m not alone. I accept that they are my mistakes, and I have to deal with the fallout from the choices I make in life, including mistakes. I’ve come to the conclusion that every single bad choice I have made in my life is because I have chosen to put the needs and/or desires of someone else before my own wants/needs. There is a reason why flight attendants always tell you to put on your own oxygen mask first, before helping other people. If you are helping other people before helping yourself, they are going to benefit – which is a good thing – but you are going to suffer for it – which is a bad thing. Being the type of person who tries to please others whenever possible, I forget that sometimes I need to make decisions based on what is going to be best for me, first. I know that sounds a bit selfish, but I still think it’s true. The only major decision I’ve ever made in my life where I put my own needs first was when I packed up my life and moved from California to North Carolina. I knew I was unhappy, and that I needed to do something drastic before I became one of those people you see on TLC or MTV reality shows. Living in the Carolinas – both North and South – are some of the happiest years in my life, barring a few bad events. Again, those bad events happened because I put someone else’s needs before my own.

I’m alive, but I’m not living my life. Everything I do is because I’m trying to make someone else happy. Somewhere, along the line, I subconsciously decided that my own happiness was not as important. That’s just plain stupid. I deserve to be happy, but I know that in order to get that back, I need to start evaluating every aspect of my life and deciding which things I’m doing because they are beneficial to my well-being, or if I’m doing it because I think that it’s the expected thing to do to make someone else happier or to make their life easier.

I’m 38 years old, and I’m having a mid-life crisis. Unfortunately, unless we’re using a very, very loose interpretation of “mid-life” (as in, it’s happening at some point between being born and dying), I’m well past the mid-point in my life expectancy. The worst part of always trying to make other people happy is when it doesn’t work, and then both you and that other person are unhappy. I have said ad nauseum that I want to get out of California, because this state is sucking away at whatever happiness I have left. So, it’s time to play with some butterflies, and set some changes in motion that are going to make me a happier person. I’m tired of hiding my unhappiness, and the fact that I’m always in pain, and that I feel like no one cares about me. I know that last part is the depression talking to me, but it’s a very convincing whisper repeated in my brain endlessly. I want to be happy. I’m scared of doing anything that is going to make someone else unhappy, but I can’t keep living that way. From now on,  I promise myself that every choice I make will consider whether I am doing it to make myself happy or to make someone else happy. If the answer is that it only makes the other person happy, it’s just too bad for that person. I need to start focusing on myself. It’s time to write down my list of goals, and get back on track to finding my way back to happiness.

Today has been excruciating for me

11 Sep 2013 Leave a comment

by jes in Life, My health

I know I complain a lot about my constant pain, but it’s such a central part of my existence that I can’t really ever get away from it. With the new damage to my right knee, I’m hobbling in a completely different way than normal, which is – naturally – causing my already bad left knee to whine that it’s being mistreated as well. So, now I have two knees in constant pain, that both make crunchy grindy sounds and random pops, even when braced.  I’m beyond exhausted right now, and all I want to do is sleep for the next two days until I’m forced to go back to work. And of course, working in an office building, I get stopped constantly to ask if I’m okay and to find out what happened. I explain it several times a day, but it never ceases to be a enthralling to my coworkers. Today is one of those days where I would happily be ugly as sin and even flatter broke than I already am, just to trade off having the constant pain. Does anyone have a line to the Devil? I’m ready to deal.

On love and family

06 Sep 2013 Leave a comment

by jes in Life, Relationships

I wasn’t planning on writing tonight, because my pain level is through the roof, but then I decided that maybe if I got some of my tangled thoughts out of my head, it might help me sleep. This is going to be a very personal post, because I’m feeling stripped down to my most basic feelings right now. There is a very special person in my world, whom I have known for most of my life, and who I have been madly in love with for many years. The problem is that I know that he doesn’t love me, not the same way. We have our moments where everything works out wonderfully for a short period of time, and then it breaks down again. I know that he and I will never have a successful relationship, but I still can’t completely pull myself away from him. I know that’s a toxic situation, but I had a toxic upbringing, so I guess that’s “normal” for me.

I was the unwanted child. I was the afterthought. My older sister did her best to kill me when I was a child. Back in the 70s, it was considered cute, not dangerous, when an older sibling would shove a younger sibling down a flight of concrete stairs. Repeatedly. My father doted on my sister (and still does, I imagine) but simply put up with me. I remember, after my parents divorced, every Friday night, my father would get dressed up and go out places. Presumably looking for women. I hated being alone in the house, so I taught myself to bake, because if I was busy, I didn’t think about being alone in the house when I was 10 years old. The good thing is that I am now a fantastic baker. The bad thing is that life with my father has screwed me up as far as relationships go. I have spent most of my life dating men that I knew would either reject me, abuse me, or otherwise not be available to me. I have been punched, I have been beaten, I have been thrown into walls, I have been told repeatedly that I am not worthy of love. And so, I go on chasing what I can’t have, or what I know will cause me pain. Physical pain heals so much easier than mental pain. Bruises fade within a week or two. The emotional scars from my childhood are still there nearly 40 years later.

I don’t know how to love. I don’t know what it feels like to be loved. I have friends who love me, but that’s a different kind of love. I have never been the most important person in anyone’s life except for perhaps the first two years of my son’s life when he depended on me for everything. My son is in 6th grade now, and nearly as tall as me. I realized today that he has told me he loves me more than both of my parents put together. Maybe it’s just an automatic sign off when we get off the phone, but it still touches me. The only other family member who always made it a point to say “I love you” was my stepdad. That’s right. The one who married into my family could tell me that he loved me, but my own parents couldn’t express it. Not that I am ungrateful to my parents. After all, without them, I wouldn’t be here. Then again, I’m pretty messed up medically, so maybe that wouldn’t be so bad.

I keep telling myself to just keep on being me, and maybe someday I’ll find that “perfect” person out there that is supposedly waiting for me. Unfortunately, I don’t believe in perfect, and I don’t see myself ever finding anyone who can see past the physical problems and the mental problems, and deciding it’s worth it. There are a lot more women out there who have less baggage, and require less effort. I know that deep down in the reptilian core of my mind, I’m searching for the unconditional love that I sought from my father, who was an expert at throwing rejection back in my face and telling me everything in life I have done wrong, and probably will do wrong. If I thought I’d live long enough, I’d joke about becoming the crazy old cat lady, but instead, I worry about who is going to care for my cat when I’m gone.

For those who know me, yeah, the pain is excruciating today. Worse than normal. I tell myself that it’s just pain, and to go on, but sometimes, I just wish I had someone who loved me enough to hold me and lie to me to tell me that everything will be okay.

Today was a rough day for me

05 Sep 2013 1 Comment

by jes in Uncategorized

Unfortunately, I never know when a day is going to be good or bad, so I can’t plan around it. I get hints, when my insomnia kicks in, but sometimes I still end up having a good day afterwards. I know that I have depression, and I know that it’s probably caused from having long term pain, and I know that my body hates me and is trying to slowly kill me, but knowing something doesn’t always make it easier. I could psychoanalyze my life to explain why I am the way I am, but again, knowing doesn’t make it any easier. I very rarely allow people to get too close to me, emotionally, because I know that it’s only going to cause pain down the road. I figure I have enough physical pain, without having to deal with emotional pain as well. That would explain why most of the people I consider good friends, I have never met in person. Being anonymous on the internet is a strange thing. You can choose to be a bully and hide behind your anonymity, or you can bare your soul and hide behind your anonymity. I share who I am, and some people think they know me, but I still don’t allow them inside the messed up confines of my mind.

Today was one of those days where every single part of my body hurts. It hurts to breathe, it hurts to walk, it hurts to move. These are the days when I border on suicidal. I start thinking that the world wouldn’t notice if I was gone. Oh, a few people might care for a little while, but in a year, I’d be forgotten. These are the thoughts that creep into my mind when the pain gets bad and the depression kicks in. Oh, you don’t have to worry about me. I have no intention of killing myself, my body is doing a good enough job of that on its own. This is not a plea for intervention. It’s mostly just whining. Complaining. Venting. I get tired of being in pain constantly, and I get tired of hiding it. I get tired of becoming emotionally attached to someone or something, only to have it taken away. I gave up on happiness a long time ago. Now I just enjoy the occasional bouts of contentment. I look forward to the rare days when my body doesn’t feel like I’ve been hit repeatedly with a wooden bat. They’re becoming rarer as time stretches on. I guess, like finding a four leaf clover, it’s the rarity of the thing which makes us appreciate it more.

Time for a little levity

04 Sep 2013 Leave a comment

by jes in Life, Relationships Tags: ,

I know that my past few posts have been rather serious, and perhaps even depressing to some people, and that’s not my intention. I write about the things that are relevant in my life, and maybe it means something to someone else, and maybe it’s just drivel. For me, it’s a way of organizing my thoughts and blowing off steam. Today though, I thought I’d share a little bit of insight as to why I am single, and have given up on ever having a serious, long-term relationship. No names will be provided, nor will there be dates, so the men in question can remain happily anonymous (and/or oblivious). We call this “I knew [the relationship] was over when…” And yes, every single item below is absolutely true. I knew it was over when:

  • He told me that he couldn’t see me next weekend, because he was going to be in a wedding that weekend. His own.
  • He broke up with me because spending time with me was keeping him away from hanging out with his friends
  • I came home from work sick, and found him in bed with my then-best friend
  • He told me that he could tell that I was becoming an alcoholic because I went out and had a glass of wine with friends after work
  • (the ugly one here) He shoved me into a wall and told me that I was a waste of space
  • He went off to college in another state, without letting me know until he was moved into his new dorm
  • He decided that he would rather get shot at as a government contractor in Kuwait than be with me
  • He called me from jail and asked if I could bail him out. And also his girlfriend. After they were arrested for having sex in public.
  • He started talking to me in babytalk
  • He told me that if I really loved him, I’d get rid of my cat
  • He lied to me about graduating high school

I could go on, but I’ll cut it short for now. The funny thing (to me) is that I warn men up-front that I am very difficult to deal with.  I’m pretty darn close to being a Type A personality (or whatever the current terminology is) and I have extremely high standards as far as basic cleanliness and manners and, well, honesty. I don’t think I’m unreasonable to expect that if you make a huge mess in my kitchen, that you wash the dishes, or at least stack them in the dishwasher. I also don’t think it’s unreasonable to wipe down the counters when something sticky gets spilled on them. I just want to be treated with respect. 

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Moving forward

03 Sep 2013 Leave a comment

by jes in Uncategorized

It’s been a rather crazy past couple months in my life. Going back to May, I’ve ended a relationship because he decided that I was his maid instead of his girlfriend, I’ve stressed over finding a new place to live, at the very last moment (literally, a week before the lease ended) I found a place, ended up moving on the hottest two days that I remember, had insane customers at work, had to deal with two cat fights between my poor sweet kitty who just wants to be friends and play and the landlord’s cat, who doesn’t know how to play (he’s old and grumpy), all the while housesitting for a friend for the past week.

I’m just a wee bit stressed.

The hard part is over, I keep telling myself. I’ve managed to mostly keep myself together, and I’m looking forward to good things happening in my future. On the downside, the one friend I’ve always been able to count on has seemingly dropped out of my life for now. I know he has a lot going on in his life right now, too, but I feel slightly abandoned. I don’t know where the future is leading me, and I’m just taking things one day at a time. Sometimes, it’s one hour at a time. Sunday, I had the misfortune of forgetting to refill the container I keep in my purse of various prescriptions, and started having panic attacks while at work. I managed to tough my way through it with the help of some great friends and meditative breathing, but it was not fun. I just need life to settle down for a bit, so I can get my bearings and set a direction.

Shikata ga nai

24 Aug 2013 Leave a comment

by jes in Faith, Life Tags: , , ,

The rough translation of that phrase is “It cannot be helped, so don’t worry about it.” This has been my constant motto over these past 11 months, most especially in the past two months when my life started unravelling at a faster pace than usual. I tell myself that wasting time and energy over something one has no control over only causes stress and heartache for the person who is worrying, because worrying alone will not solve anything. That is, of course, always easier said than done. It is human nature to worry about things we cannot control. Living in California, I get asked a lot if I worry about “the big one” earthquake which will level everything and cause massive destruction and loss of life. I don’t worry about it, because I don’t have the ability to stop an earthquake from happening. Living in the Carolinas, I was frequently asked if I worried about hurricanes. Again, why worry about something that may or may not happen. The outcome is going to be the same no matter what. I do try to prepare myself for any eventuality, and do what I can to minimize my own personal losses if one of these disasters were to strike.

What about the little things, though? If you worried about every little thing, you wouldn’t have any time to enjoy the life you have and to make plans to make things better in the future. This has been a very turbulent two months for me. At times, it felt like the universe was “out to get me” but it’s not personal. Things happen that you cannot control, and you either have to accept it, or find a solution. As soon as I stopped worrying about what was going to potentially happen, everything came together. It’s not that the universe was out to get me, it was just that I was worrying so much about hypothetical situations and problems that may have happened that I didn’t realize that whatever was going to happen was going to happen whether I worried about it or not.

I’m not advocating doing nothing and just hoping for the best, but rather to stop worrying about what could or could not happen. Everything does happen for a reason, even if you don’t know what the reason is. Sometimes the answer is not the one that you were expecting, but it’s the right one for right now. I have been very vocal about my dislike of San Diego, and keep talking about how I want to get out of here and get back to my adopted home state of South Carolina, but all I’ve done so far is talk. I can give a dozen reasons for why I haven’t done anything towards that goal, but the simple answer is that it’s just not the right time yet. When it’s time, it will happen.

Since my last post, my two most pressing concerns have been solved. The foster cat that I took in to look after has been adopted to a wonderful couple whom I know will make her very happy, and she them. I have also settled my housing situation, at least temporarily, until I am ready to move forward in whatever direction life sends me. Maybe I won’t end up in South Carolina again. Maybe I’ll end up somewhere completely different. It doesn’t matter. I will find my happiness wherever I go, by always remembering to be the best me that I can be, and not worrying about everything else. As John Lennon once said, “Life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans.”

I envy small children in the fact that every new day is filled with new and wonderful things. As an adult, I have to remind myself that this is the life I have, and that it is my choice as to whether I will enjoy it, or be miserable. So, I stop to smell the roses (figuratively – sometimes they are other flowers instead), and I laugh out loud when I see a child or an animal just enjoying being in the now, and I remind myself that, while every day may not be a good one – today was a horrible emotional roller coaster for me –  there is beauty in the world. Stop and look around and really look at the life you’re living in. If you are unhappy with it, you have the power to change it. It may be a small change, or it may be a large one, but don’t continue to be unhappy by doing the same thing(s) that are making you unhappy. Do something special for yourself, because you are the most important person in your own life. And stop worrying about things you can’t change. Either let go of the worry, or find a way to change it for the better. And if all else fails, find a kitten or a puppy to snuggle with (or maybe a snake or a gerbil, or some other creature that makes you happy). Life goes on. 

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I have faith

22 Aug 2013 Leave a comment

by jes in Faith, Travel

When people ask me what my religion is, I always reply that I don’t have a religion, I have a faith. I consider myself a Buddhist, although I could certainly use some help in that area of my life. I do try to follow the basic tenets of the faith:

  • All life knows suffering. Nobody gets what they want out of life.
  • The cause of suffering is ignorance and clinging.T Wanting it is the problem.
  • There is a way to end suffering. By learning not to want it.
  • This is the way to end suffering: The Eightfold Path.
  1. Right Understanding Learning the nature of reality and the truth about life.
  2. Right Aspiration Making the commitment to living in such a way that our suffering can end.
  3. Right Effort Just Do It. No Excuses.
  4. Right Speech Speaking the truth in a helpful and compassionate way.
  5. Right Conduct Living a life consistent with our values.
  6. Right Livelihood Earning a living in a way that doesn’t hurt others.
  7. Right Mindfulness Recognizing the value of the moment; living where we are.
  8. Right Concentration Expanding our consciousness through meditation.

I am not a perfect person. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. I have made a lot of bad choices in my life. I have ignored good advice from others trying to help me with their greater knowledge because I was too stubborn to hear. Every now and then, I get it right, and I have small moments of perfection in my life. I have been diagnosed with Dysthymic Disorder (why does everything have to be a disorder these days? True, it could be worse. I could have Major Depressive Disorder or Seasonal Affective Disorder or Unipolar depression. I have some friends who have these diseases, and while I hate that they have to deal with the disease and the stigma that is still attached to “mental illness” I am also immensely grateful that my “mild” form of depression is mostly easy to deal with.

I have not had an easy life. In comparison to the rest of the world, that statement could be laughable. At the moment, I have a roof over my head, and I can afford to eat and drink sanitary food and water. Now, here is the bad part. I know that I am going to die at a relatively young age. I think I knew that as fact when I had to be taken to the hospital over and over again when I was a child to find out what was wrong with my kidneys. The night I gave birth to my son, I was told at the hospital that my kidneys had stopped functioning normally, and that I wasn’t going anywhere until I had that baby. I was then given a warning that another pregnancy could end up with my being on dialysis either temporarily or permanently. Then came the headache. It started back in 2005, and my doctor then thought it was a migraine, because my sister has a history of migraines, and I was showing a lot of the symptoms of a migraine. So, we tried assorted medications. At least five that I remember. The headache would fade for a bit, and then come back again. By the time August of 2009 rolled around, the headache had developed into a massive pain that felt how I would imagine it feels to have an ice pick jammed up the back of your skull and out through your eyeballs. I am in a constant state of pain. I honestly cannot remember what it feels like to NOT be in pain.

Most days, I am okay. I get dressed, I go to work, or do my chores, survive the day, and go to sleep in anticipation of tossing and turning all night from the intense pain, and wondering how my body is going to torture me next. I’ve gotten so good at disguising the pain that most people don’t realize that there is anything wrong with me aside from my warped sense of humor. Then, I’ll have a bad day and my world will come crashing down around me, spiraling me into a depressive funk where I feel like I just cannot handle the pain any longer. Those are the days that I long to just die and get it over with, but I can’t be that selfish. So, how does this long, rambling post relate back to my title regarding faith?

I was mostly happy living in my tiny little town in South Carolina, until my mom guilted me into moving back to San Diego. I knew I didn’t like the city when I left it, but once I returned, I realized just how badly I hated it. The traffic is terrible, the housing prices are ridiculously high, and the pay is ridiculously low compared to what I had gotten used to. There is nothing about this city that makes me the least bit happy. There are, however, people that I have either met or re-connected with by moving back that I would have never had the pleasure to know if I hadn’t come back. Does that mean that I don’t think longingly of living in a quiet town where you’re more likely to hear the lowing of a cow than the screaming of a fire engine siren or a police helicopter overhead.

I am at a crossroad right now. The lease on the apartment where I am currently living in is up at the end of the month, and as of right now, I have not been able to find any place to live that fits within my mediocre budget. So, I am packing up all my belongings into boxes, to be stacked neatly in a storage unit, awaiting a decision from me. I don’t know what’s in my future. The open road beckons me. Some people are designed to settle down in one place and spend the rest of their life there. I have a few friends who have never even left the state they were born in. I am not one of those people. I am restless. I am a wanderer. I don’t have much life span left. Or maybe I do. I don’t know. Where do I go from here? I am letting go of the worry and letting my destiny unfold as it will. Maybe something good will come out of it, and maybe something bad. Either way, it is life. So long as I have my cat with me, nothing else matters.

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I am adrift in my sailboat, rudderless, awaiting the right wind to tell me which direction my destiny awaits

28 May 2013 Leave a comment

by jes in Life Tags: , ,

It’s no secret that I am not a fan of San Diego. I moderately disliked it when I was growing up, but it wasn’t until I freed myself by moving to North, and then later, South Carolina that I realized how wonderful a true “home” can be. I know there are many out there who think that you’d have to be crazy to give up the year round sunshine and beautiful beaches to live anywhere else. It’s unfortunate that it’s all spin courtesy of the Tourism Board. In the winter, it drops as low as 30° and in the summer it gets as warm as 110° and we won’t even discuss the smog that makes it impossible to breathe. As to those lovely beaches, regular surfers are recommended to keep their Hep vaccines current, because there is all kinds of nasty things swirling around in the water that comes up from Baja California.

It’s been nearly 5 years since I’ve returned to this city where I was born, but do not consider home. The urge to leave gets stronger every day, to the point where it’s been almost an obsession to find a way out of here. Thankfully, I have some wonderful friends who are willing to help me out, and I may just find myself on the road again soon, to points unknown. As much as I tell myself I want to return to the Carolinas, there are still 8 states I have yet to visit, and there is always the possibility that I may fall even more in love with one of them. Then again, maybe I’ll end up somewhere completely different altogether.

Since I was very young, I felt that I just didn’t fit in. Somehow, I just didn’t quite mesh with my family or this city I grew up in. That’s not to say that I dislike my family. I just don’t think I’ve ever been terribly important to them, and I’m okay with that. I’m different. I accept that. My sister was the wonder child, and no matter how hard I tried, I could never be as good as her. So, I took a different path, and ended up in different places, with different experiences. Maybe some were good, some of them were definitely bad. Each one was a learning experience. I try to not make the same mistakes twice. I’ve been known to jump feet first into situations without adequately making sure there is a safety net below me.

I’m getting older, but I still don’t feel like I’m a grown up. There are many days when I just want my mom to give me a hug and tell me that I’ve turned into a good person. Perfect strangers frequently tell me that I am wonderful, and a pleasure to speak with, and that I’ve brightened their days. I wonder what went wrong with me that my own family doesn’t feel the same about me. And so, I wander. Do I have a home? No, all I have is a place to sleep at night and keep a few belongings. Even in my own “home” I don’t belong. I’m not wanted here, and I wonder if I’ll ever find a place where I am wanted.

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