I’m having a bit of a grumpy day

06 Jan 2014 1 Comment

by jes in Uncategorized

I generally try to stay positive when I can, but it’s very disheartening when I find out that some people whom I thought were friends were whining to each other that I whine too much about my medical conditions and health problems. I don’t see it as whining; I see it as sharing what I’m going through, and hoping that it either a) makes someone else feel better about what’s going wrong in their own life, b) have advise they can share that might help me, or c) like me enough to sympathize with what I’m going through. It’s frustrating because it makes me want to not share anything, except in direct text messages or phone calls with the people I know who actually do care.

So… stop reading if you don’t care. Really, I mean it. I’m going to talk about my health and medical issues.

I had my MRI done today. It was as quick and painless as I expected it to be. I’m not claustrophobic by any means, so I just laid very still and meditated for the half hour or so while she took images of my knee. After we finished, I asked how long it would be to get the results back, and she said my doctor should have them by Wednesday or Thursday. Then, I’ll know how badly my knee is torn up, and what the next step is to fix it.

I’m still terrified of surgery. I never really thought that I was scared of anything until I had to go through that series of epidural steroid injections in my spine and realized that I’m one of those freaks who can’t go unconscious when under general anaesthesia. I just get the fun of being paralyzed and wide awake and feeling everything that the doctor is doing. That’s when I realized I really, really don’t want to have surgery. Ever.

I’m so frustrated with people right now that I want to either throw something or cry. It didn’t help that when I got home, my darling cat had decided to climb the shelving in my room and systematically knock everything down that he could get to. I guess that means I’m frustrated with cats, too. Or at least one tubby tabby.

There is so much more I want to write about the thoughts swirling around in my head, but I think I need to let them percolate a bit more before I write them down. Or, they’ll end up only getting written in my private journal and not published for the masses to read. I’ll just say that I’m not happy with where I am in my life right now, and I know how I want to fix it, and the steps necessary to fix it, but that I have to do things in a certain order, and the timeline isn’t moving fast enough for me.

I’ll close this out with my “three good things” I’m supposed to think about each day

  1. I brought my sick coworker cold medicine to help him feel better
  2. I had a great conversation with my neighbor
  3. Even when he’s naughty, I have a fantastic cat who loves me and loves to snuggle with me

Welcome to 2014

01 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by jes in Life, My health Tags: , , ,

18 1/2 hours in, and honestly, it doesn’t feel any different from any previous year. I still don’t understand the big deal of celebrating a new year. Is there a point to it? If so, can someone please explain it to me? Shouldn’t we try to better ourselves all year round, not just the first couple weeks of January, before tapering off and sinking into our same old routines again?

Tomorrow, I will be calling the scheduler to find out when my MRI will be for my knee. I’m anxious to move forward, because I’m tired of dealing with the pain. I’m hoping they can fit me in rather soon, so that we can get this moving.

I did my volunteer work with the kitties today, and that made me think of my earlier “contemplate three good things every day” assignment that my psychologist had given me. Today, I came up with four.

  1. I spent 2 1/2 hours with homeless kitties, making them feel loved and less lonely. Especially Chloe, who seems to be a purebred Norwegian forest cat. I sat in with her for 40 minutes, and when I left to go buy food for Tiggy, she stood up and pressed her face to the bars until I came back again and sat with her some more.
  2. I made a padded bed for Tiggy to lay on. He’s taken to laying on one of the newly cleaned off shelves in my room, and I thought he’d like to have a little padding on top of the hard laminate shelving. So, I put some batting in a pillowcase and made him a squishy bed. He approves of my offering.
  3. I offered to let someone cut in line at the grocery store, because he only had one item and I had about 20. He graciously declined, but at least I offered.
  4. I bought myself a beautiful red-flowered plant for my desk at work to brighten things up a bit. I don’t know what it’s called, but it has clumps of little red flowers all over it, and it’s just the right size to sit on the shelf next to my desk.

It may not seem like anything special, but each one of those items made me feel good about myself, and that’s the most important thing. I forget to put myself first a lot. I always try to help others and I’m terrible at saying no to someone when they say they need help, so I’m trying to remember that I need to put my health and well-being first, and to only say yes if it’s not going to have a detrimental impact on myself.

I’m really looking forward to the day when I can start exercising again and try to get back into shape. I feel like a lazy bum when I park in the handicap spot close to the door and hobble inside, even though my doctor agrees that it’s a necessary evil right now. I’m doing what yoga poses I can that don’t impact my knee or my spine too badly, but I miss long walks. Hopefully by my birthday, that will be back on my list of three good things.

Happy New-ish Year

28 Dec 2013 Leave a comment

by jes in Uncategorized

I have this odd habit of not really celebrating New Years in traditional ways. Mostly because I always seem to be single on New Year’s Eve and have no one to kiss at midnight anyway. I also don’t make my “Resolutions” until my birthday, which is in the beginning of February. I figure that I want to get a full year out of each  resolution. That has gotten me thinking about what my resolutions are going to be this year.

I try to be realistic and not make goals like “get back to my high school weight,” because let’s face it, I’d look skeletal at 103 pounds now. I wouldn’t mind dropping  a few pounds, but that just means I’d have to buy new jeans, so is it really worth it? I could do the old “get back in shape and start exercising regularly” again, but that’s going to lead me down that same slope of needing to buy new clothes. Maybe we should work on other goals instead. I’ve thought about “get more organized” but realistically, that wouldn’t work long term. I’m a fairly neat person, and I do tidy on a regular basis, but my living quarters will never be in a magazine, so does it really matter if my magazines are dumped in a pile on top of my desk instead of in a fancy magazine rack? I think not.

There are also the resolutions that I think are truly stupid, such as “I plan to be a nicer person.” Seriously, if you need to write that down as a resolution to work at, you’re a terrible person anyway and probably won’t change. (Just kidding, kinda) So, what does that leave me with? I’m not interested in starting up any new relationship, I can’t plan on moving out of San Diego until my knee situation is resolved, I already have a job that I think I’m doing okay at, even if it isn’t the most exciting reason to wake up every morning, I have the best group of friends I could imagine, and I’m sure as hell not giving up coffee. So, I guess my New Year’s resolution is to just keep on being me.

The choice is no longer mine

21 Dec 2013 1 Comment

by jes in Faith, Life, My health Tags: , , , ,

In my last post, I stated that I was concerned about what Monday would bring, in regards to the pain in my knee. As it turned out, I didn’t have to wait that long after all. My physical therapist was manipulating my patella on Wednesday, and I have over a 1/2″ of lateral movement in the kneecap. That means that it’s not tracking at all. It’s worse now than it was when I first injured it three and a half months ago. I’m in more pain, and all the strengthening exercises in the world aren’t going to help me now, because it would seem that I’ve torn or broken something inside. I’ll get a real answer on Monday, but it’s been a very emotionally draining week for me.

Of course, all the stress over the knee is aggravating my headache, so that has gotten worse over the past week as well. Some days, most days, I just don’t even want to get out of bed. Even with upping my antidepressants, I find myself crying regularly when I’m alone. I try to hide my emotions around other people, and maybe it works. Maybe it doesn’t. Shikata ga nai. I have no option at this point. My fate will be decided without my input. Whatever you’re doing, whether you know me or not, think of me on Monday afternoon and if you are so inclined, pray that it is not so damaged that I need to have the entire knee replaced before I even turn 40.

Thank you.

Waiting is the hardest part

17 Dec 2013 Leave a comment

by jes in Life, My health Tags: , ,

Monday I go back to the orthopedic doctor and he tells me what the next step will be to fixing my knee. When I last saw him, he told me that he expected me to be back at 100% with no pain by the 23rd. That hasn’t happened. On Tuesday, the 10th, as I was walking down the stairs at home, my knee made another really loud pop and it felt like the patella once again slid sideways. I’m back to where I started three and a half months ago, except much more seriously depressed over it. He mentioned that the next step would be an MRI and then we could discuss what the next step will be. I am seriously terrified of surgery. I’m too young for a knee replacement. I’m tired of being in pain. I’m tired of trying to be strong outwardly while I crumble silently inside.

I want someone to hug me and tell me that everything will be alright. I want someone to tell me it’s alright to be broken. I want someone who understands that my brokenness is what makes me unique and special, and not something to avoid or dismiss. I just want to be me, without all the pain and hurting all the time. The problem is, I don’t know who I’d be if I wasn’t in pain. Would I be a happier person? Would I actually have more than a few friends who stick by me through thick and thin and don’t vanish when I need them the most? Sometimes I think that people are friends with me because I make their lives seem wonderful in comparison.

I’ll be back on Monday evening to let y’all know how my appointment went, unless something earth shattering happens before then.

A request from a long-time customer service rep

13 Dec 2013 Leave a comment

by jes in Life Tags: , ,

I have worked in the customer service industry for over 20 years now. That includes both call center as well as face-to-face retail experience. The following rant is mostly due to the time of year, but it really applies year round for the most part.

I know that this time of year can be stressful for anyone. Maybe you’re concerned about finding the perfect gift, or maybe you’re worried about being able to afford any gifts at all. Maybe you’re not concerned about gifts at all, but you have some other something that’s weighing on your mind. We all have something. I would just like to ask you to please remember some basic manners that will hopefully make the season a little smoother for everyone.

  1. Remember that the person helping you is trying to help you. Berating, belittling, insulting, or abusing your customer service rep is more likely to earn you worse service, not better. That old saying about “”If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” is absolutely true. “Please,” “thank you,” or “is it possible to…?” will get you better service every time.
  2. We work on holidays such as Easter Sunday, Thanksgiving, Black Friday, Christmas, etc. so that you can shop or otherwise get help with some problem. Yes, we are getting paid, but being able to spend time with our own families has no price tag.
  3. If your request is not possible, ask nicely if there are any other options available. Getting angry and yelling is never going to help your case. See item 1.
  4. Some of us have different beliefs and don’t celebrate Christmas. It’s not sacrilegious, it’s just different from your beliefs. If you say “Merry Christmas” to me, I will probably reply with “Happy Holidays” because I am Buddhist and don’t celebrate Christmas. Please don’t lecture me about the fact that I don’t say “Merry Christmas” and lecture me about how I’m taking the Christ out of Christmas, or any other such lecture. I’m just choosing my belief system over yours. I’m not pushing mine on you, please respect that.
  5. If you see someone struggling, help them. If it’s someone loaded down with bags, take the extra moment to hold the door for them. It has nothing to do with chivalry; it’s just good manners.

Most of all, just be gracious. It’s easy to get caught up in the disappointment of not getting the newest, latest, greatest whatever. Some people here in the US (as well as millions in other countries) will not have anything to eat tonight, or no bed to sleep in. Be happy with what you’ve been given in life. It can always be worse.

 

Postscript – Thank you to all the servicemen and -women who are serving overseas who are separated from their families right now. Words cannot adequately express how much I appreciate your sacrifice.

I’m still alive, and occasionally even kicking

03 Dec 2013 Leave a comment

by jes in Life Tags: ,

I haven’t been writing very much, because this is a very difficult time of year for me. Bad things always seem to happen in the autumn and winter. I survived the one year anniversary of saying goodbye to my Moo cat for the final time, although I was on edge all day long, and felt like I was barely keeping it together at times. Tiggy always seems to know when I am feeling especially down, and he gets in my face and demands that I give him attention, which usually snaps me out of my funk.

Mom’s cat Munchie has been going downhill steadily for the past several months. About six, to be exact. Mom keeps taking him back to the vet to get him tested, and to try new medicines and new foods, and sub-cutaneous fluids, and everything else under the sun to keep him going. For some reason, he seems to like eating Tiggy’s food, so I’ve been putting out food for him outside my door, and he eats it. It’s not the best food for him, but at least he’s eating. There was about a 5 day stretch where he ate nothing at all.

I decided to have a mid-life crisis and traded in my “mom-mobile” Sentra for a 350Z convertible, which I love, and everyone else in my family seems to dislike or disapprove of. Of course, since purchasing it, we’ve had more rain than I remember in San Diego in about three or four years. I don’t really mind though, because I’m used to not having the top down when I drive, so it’s not a huge hardship. It’s just odd.

Three months (as of next Saturday, the 7th) I will have been trying to fix my knee. I finally saw the real orthopedist doctor, and he started rattling off everything that’s wrong with my knee (surprise! There’s actually an injury in there, it’s not just a figment of my imagination) and then he started listing everything that’s wrong with my left (currently good) knee. He gave me and/or Mike an ultimatum that my knee needs to be completely better, with no pain by the 23rd when I come back for my follow up, or he’s going to send me for an MRI to see what may be torn in there that’s causing it to not heal. After this long, I should not be in pain any longer. It’s getting very frustrating. In the two or three weeks that I was not able to go to PT, my knee took a huge step backwards – no pun intended – and now hurts even worse than it did before. I’ve had to start relying on a cane to walk, because the knee cannot support itself.

I think the last major news in my life is that I spent Thanksgiving with my father, his wife, and my sister in Yucca Valley. It was really nice not having to work on Black Friday, and getting to see family I don’t normally see. It was great taking Morgan (the Z) out for a road trip, part of which I got to take the top down for. The whole drive home it rained, though. Overall, it was a nice couple days off.

Three good things

07 Nov 2013 Leave a comment

by jes in Uncategorized

My therapist today gave me an assignment to note three good things each day and think about them for 10 to 15 minutes (and write them down, if I feel like it). It was already mid-afternoon by the time I left there, and the rest of my day consisted of dinner, playing with Tiggy, and reading. All three of those things are, of course, great things. I guess I need to learn to re-appreciate all the little things that are going right in my world, instead of thinking about all the things that are going wrong.

Is it always darkest before the storm?

05 Nov 2013 1 Comment

by jes in Uncategorized Tags: , ,

I’ve been having lots of emotional problems lately. September of last year started a downward spiral for me emotionally that I’m still trying to dig my way out of. I went to a psychologist last Thursday for the first time since the failed “marital counseling” that my ex and I went through before he decided he’d rather be shot at by angry Afghanistanians than be around me. It was the “evaluation” interview where she tries to figure out just how fucked up I am, so that we can start figuring out how to get me un-fucked-up. I made a promise to myself that I’d stop hiding and I’d come out and talk about my problems and try to resolve them, so that hopefully I can have some semblance of a normal life some day. I just don’t know how or if that will ever happen.

I did receive my new knee brace in the mail yesterday, so at least that part of my life is going well. It seems like as soon as anything starts improving, that’s a magnet for everything else to start going wrong, though, so I’m expecting a shit storm to head my way. All day today I was angry. There wasn’t anything particularly wrong, but everything was making me angry. I tried my normal deep breathing and trying to stand up and stretch and think about other things, but all I can think about is how shitty the past year has been.

I know my problems seem minor in comparison to what others are dealing with, but they’re wrecking my life. I feel like I don’t have anyone I can depend on. My family doesn’t care about me or want me around. My love is too busy with his own things to be there for me, even if he wanted to be. I have almost no friends locally. I have one that I meet up with once a month or so, but other than that, it’s work, physical therapy, cat volunteering (yes, I volunteer to be a cat!), and then home. I rarely leave my room once I get home, and I know I’m not eating enough, but I just don’t care. It’s not like I’m wasting away. I just don’t have the willpower to hobble downstairs on my two bad knees to eat food that I’m not going to taste anyway.

I know I have my cyber-friends, and that they love me in their own way, but it’s not a substitute for having someone around to spend time with or just hang out and do nothing. I don’t know if it’s my own personal wall that’s keeping everyone out, or if I’m just so screwed up that no one wants to be near me. This is my silent scream.

I’m trying to move forward

03 Nov 2013 Leave a comment

by jes in Uncategorized

I’m still in physical therapy to repair my right knee. Unfortunately, because I’ve been favoring my right knee, my bad left knee has been giving me problems. I’ve also started seeing a psychologist weekly, to try to get over my past and learn how to screw up less in the future. Other fun changes I’ve encountered in the past couple weeks would be finding out that I have high cholesterol, so I have to take statins, and I now need reading glasses. The reading glasses thing is filled with irony, because my last eye exam had my close vision perfect, and my distance vision slightly off. Now, my distance vision is perfect, but my close vision needs help. I just can’t seem to do anything right.

I’m horribly homesick for the Carolinas these days, especially this time of year when the air is crisp and cold and the leaves are changing colors. I want to go home.

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