28 | May | 2014 | veritas and balderdash

Waking up to sad news is never a good thing

Maya Angelou passed away this morning. I didn’t know her, except through her writing, but she always felt like a friend to me. I can’t say that I know what it’s like to grow up dirt poor as a black girl in the south during the heart of the civil rights movement, but she made it come alive for me in a way that other writers never could. Maybe because there were so many incidences that we both shared in our lives; it made me feel less lonely. I will miss her voice.

This entire past week has been a rough one for me. I’ve slipped back into my depression, but I’m fighting hard. One of my Pandora stations is a country station that I’ve put together, which is limited to songs that were released prior to 2006 (with a few exceptions), because that’s when I stopped listening to country for the most part. It started to get too personal. I like relating to my music, but I don’t want it telling my life story. A few days ago, I made the mistake of tuning in to that particular station, and a string of songs came on that reminded me of happier times, when I had fewer worries, I still enjoyed life and spending time with my best friend, and my life hadn’t yet unraveled.

I don’t know how other people react, but when a song reminds me of a happier time, and I know I’ll never have that moment again, it puts me in a sad mood. So basically, the entire theme of my week is one of sadness. I’m trying to break out of it and trying to find my inner peace and happiness again, but it’s been rough.

On Friday afternoon, just before my surgeon’s office closed, one of my incisions reopened after having the stitch removed the previous morning. I did what any sensible gear-head/field doctor would do and re-sealed it with super glue until I was able to get in to see my doctor yesterday. He’s not concerned about it, except that it’s going to leave a scar. Honestly, what’s one more scar to add to the hundreds I already have?

I’m trying to decide on a tattoo for my right arm to camouflage many of the scars on that arm. I’m thinking of a climbing rose, to honor my paternal grandmother, as my orchid honors my maternal grandparents. I’m not sure yet, so it won’t be happening any time soon. It will definitely be flowers of some kind. I’d like it to be bright and colorful, so maybe just wildflowers. I’m in no hurry, and it’s best to not get something permanent done while depressed anyway.

100 Days of Happiness, part 5

Yes, I’m late getting this posted. It’s been a rough week for me here in week 6, and I’m struggling mentally, but I’ll get through it. There has to be at least one thing that makes me happy every day, right?

Day 29 – Sunday 5/18 = drove to the store by myself. For the first time since surgery (only 4 days previous), I was given permission to drive my car again, as long as it wasn’t for a long period, and that I was careful about moving my knee too much.

Day 30 – Monday 5/19 = lunch/bay with Isaac. My friend Isaac came and picked me up (and then I let him drive my Z) and we went down to the bay to sit in the sun and hang out, and then went to my favorite brewpub (Coronado Brewing Company) and had lunch.

Day 31 – Tuesday 5/20 = massage. I treated myself to a massage to de-stress.

Day 32 – Wednesday 5/21 = new purse. After discovering that my traditional shoulder purses are not practical for use while on crutches, I searched and searched and finally found a really cute cross-shoulder bag that is roomy enough to carry everything I need, but small enough to stay out of my way.

Day 33 – Thursday 5/22 = stitches removed. I will admit I was happy about it at the time, but I wasn’t happy Friday afternoon when the right incision opened back up again, just 10 minutes before my surgeon’s office closed.

Day 34 – Friday 5/23 = started crocheting a scarf. The last time I picked up my crochet needle and did anything besides move it from one box to another was over 12 years ago, when I made my son a baby blanket. After a week of mostly boredom (there’s only so much reading one can do before one’s eyes cross), I decided to crochet something. It turned out to be a scarf.

Day 35 – Saturday 5/24 = meeting with friends. Went up to Amy’s house to meet with our fundraiser committee and had a great time laughing and talking, but also getting things finalized for the fundraiser on the 6th.