I’ve been having lots of emotional problems lately. September of last year started a downward spiral for me emotionally that I’m still trying to dig my way out of. I went to a psychologist last Thursday for the first time since the failed “marital counseling” that my ex and I went through before he decided he’d rather be shot at by angry Afghanistanians than be around me. It was the “evaluation” interview where she tries to figure out just how fucked up I am, so that we can start figuring out how to get me un-fucked-up. I made a promise to myself that I’d stop hiding and I’d come out and talk about my problems and try to resolve them, so that hopefully I can have some semblance of a normal life some day. I just don’t know how or if that will ever happen.
I did receive my new knee brace in the mail yesterday, so at least that part of my life is going well. It seems like as soon as anything starts improving, that’s a magnet for everything else to start going wrong, though, so I’m expecting a shit storm to head my way. All day today I was angry. There wasn’t anything particularly wrong, but everything was making me angry. I tried my normal deep breathing and trying to stand up and stretch and think about other things, but all I can think about is how shitty the past year has been.
I know my problems seem minor in comparison to what others are dealing with, but they’re wrecking my life. I feel like I don’t have anyone I can depend on. My family doesn’t care about me or want me around. My love is too busy with his own things to be there for me, even if he wanted to be. I have almost no friends locally. I have one that I meet up with once a month or so, but other than that, it’s work, physical therapy, cat volunteering (yes, I volunteer to be a cat!), and then home. I rarely leave my room once I get home, and I know I’m not eating enough, but I just don’t care. It’s not like I’m wasting away. I just don’t have the willpower to hobble downstairs on my two bad knees to eat food that I’m not going to taste anyway.
I know I have my cyber-friends, and that they love me in their own way, but it’s not a substitute for having someone around to spend time with or just hang out and do nothing. I don’t know if it’s my own personal wall that’s keeping everyone out, or if I’m just so screwed up that no one wants to be near me. This is my silent scream.
veritas and balderdash 